Eff this day

So here's the short version of the potentially offensive (because of language) rant: I falsely tested positive for high levels of morphine and hydrocodone on a drug test I took in March, given to me by the pain clinic. Nurse practitioner is pretty convinced that it wasn't a false negative, but the doctor, thanks to another staff member that was in the room at the time of the confrontation, is giving me a "second chance". Turns out a cough suppressant I was taking at the time, and benadryl, could've easily caused the false results.

I took another drug test yesterday. If I somehow get another false positive, I'm gonna demand a blood test and/or hair follicle test because once that failed drug test gets left in my medical file without a revision, it will become virtually impossible for me to get any painkillers to help manage my horrible pain.

On top of that, I was really really sick yesterday and was nearly vomiting on everything because of a severe migraine.

In other news, my cats are freaking awesome.

I managed to get a video of Nova smurgling.

Please pray for our fellow blipper Julez, she's having health issues herself.

The long (and potentially offensive) version of this rant can be found after the warning.

Love you all. Please take care of yourselves.

Warning!: The following contains more of My Misadventures in Health Care and Offensive Words.

Back blipping for yesterday because it just sucked so badly that I just couldn't get it in.

So I went to the pain clinic. They said I tested positive for hydrocodone (a drug that I'm not currently on) back in March. I was informed that because I tested positive, it meant that I would no longer be receiving any narcotics to alleviate my pain at all because I blew it.

I did not take hydrocodone in March. Not at all. I'm not one of those idiots that takes a medication I'm not supposed to be taking. Especially not if I'm at a freaking PAIN CLINIC and I'm gonna have regular urine tests. That's just... You have to be a really super special kind of idiot to do that.

I have been accused of being a drug addict before. I am not a drug addict. I would never risk having that black mark definitively placed in my medical charts with a drug test, because it would mean that I would likely never find another pain clinic to help me manage my pain ever again, and I live my life in a great deal of pain.

So I told the nurse practitioner (because God forbid the doctor ever see me again, he put in his two appointments with me, I should feel honored that I got to see him at all) that I didn't take hydrocodone in March. She said "It's positive" and kept pointing to the test results. I repeatedly told her that I did not take hydrocodone, in which case she kept pointing to the test results like it was the fucking Bible or something.

She also claimed that I tested positive for morphine. Despite the fact that morphine is a metabolite of codeine, which the pain clinic had been giving me. She claimed that the levels of morphine and hydrocodone were very high. When asked how high, she said that I would've have to have taken several pills (of both).

I don't even have access to those drugs. It's just me and B here. He's not on those meds. I don't have any friends or family I could get them from, and I'm too much of a wuss to go out and buy them from someone because I really want to do this the right way and have my pain management properly managed by doctors. And you never know what those people selling those drugs on the streets are capable of doing anyways. I want to do this the right way, and I don't want to get shot or shanked. (Given that this is El Paso, the latter is actually more likely. But still. My kidneys don't need to become pincushions.)

I think I've been given 8mg of morphine by the hospital once ever, and that was when I was in extreme pain. It was intravenous. Any other time, it's only been 4mg of morphine. I've never taken a pill of morphine in my life, and I'm certainly not the type to abuse intravenous drugs anyways, my veins are already hard enough to stick, I don't need to be putting poison in them and scarring them up any worse than they already are.

I've never been given morphine to take outside of the hospital. Ever.

I haven't had hydrocodone in forever.

So. B asked the nurse practitioner if they keep the samples, she said they don't, which means a retest for that particular sample is impossible.

B spent a while researching false negatives for hydrocodone and morphine, and after some digging, found out that a cough suppressant I was taking at the time could've easily created the false positive. Well fuck me. I also found out that benadryl can cause false negatives for PCP and hydrocodone. The latter is much more likely if you're already taking some form of opioid. Thank God I didn't test positive for PCP. I think I would've lost my shit.

Anyways. I kept telling her I didn't take any. I was careful to remain calm and composed, despite how angry I was getting, because anger would've been seen as defensiveness and defensiveness would've been seen as guilt. I am not guilty of the accusations.

I finally told her that "Please excuse my language, but it took me so long to find a pain clinic that would actually help me, that I wouldn't risk fucking this up. I am in pain. I wouldn't risk fucking this up."

She looked at me like I'd grown a second head, and like she definitely didn't believe me.

Well, thankfully, there was another staff member in the room during this whole exchange.

The nurse practitioner said she'd go talk to the doctor about it to see what he wanted to do. But this was my only chance. The other staff member went with her. The staff member told the doctor that she believed that I was being truthful and to please don't cut me off.

So I have one more chance.

I submitted a urine sample (before being told that I had tested positive in March) so they were gonna give me one more chance because of that.

I haven't taken that cough suppressant in quite a while, but I still take copious amounts of benadryl. If I test positive for something I shouldn't again, it's gonna take all I have not to completely flip my shit.

If I do come up with more false positives, I'm gonna ask them to please take blood and hair tests. Because I really haven't done anything wrong. I've been entirely compliant, even though they aren't even giving me enough medication to really make a difference with the pain. It gives me some relief, and I haven't been pushing them for higher dosages or anything. All I've done is ask if I can double the dose when I'm in extreme pain, and I was told that I'm allowed to, but if I come up short on meds that I have to wait until it's time to get more, they aren't gonna have sympathy for me if I come up short. Which is something I have been very careful and compliant about as well.

The codeine barely does anything. The tramadol does a little more. What I need is a high dose of hydrocodone or low dose of oxycodone and valium, but both are drugs that pushing for would get me thrown out the door. So I've been compliant and playing along with their little game of "let's not give you enough pain killers to actually help reduce your pain any meaningful amount" and I've only asked to switch back and forth between the two they've been prescribing for me. Not even pushing for higher doses.

It's frustrating as hell that I got a false positive, because I have been so overwhelmingly compliant that it makes me sick even thinking about it.

By the way, this is the best pain clinic in this area. I'm not kidding.

I'm gonna try to talk to someone on Monday about the fact that because of B's research I checked my medication logs and found that I was, in fact, on that medication at that time, and that it was possible that it could've caused the false positive. (Let's not forget that testing labs make mistakes all the time, but pointing that out would work against me.)

So yeah. Sorry about all the ranting.

On top of that crap, I had already had a headache, and while at the pain clinic, trying to get this crap worked out, I got sicker, and sicker, and sicker, until it was all that I could do not to vomit everywhere.

I actually had to take off my sunglasses and cover my face with my hat on the way home, and I was so sick we couldn't even listen to music, not even if kept quietly. (Normally I can't stand not having music on while in a vehicle.)

I was so sick that when I got home, I crawled out of my clothes and had to sleep naked to feel better. Anyone that knows me well knows that I suffer from extreme body dysphoria and I can't stand the sight of my own body, nor can I stand even the idea of myself naked. So that should tell you just how horribly sick I was.

Sorry, I just needed to rant.