Liliana turns 1.

Today was Liliana's first birthday. I'm not one for parties but decided to have a wee group of folk over to help celebrate.

Her birth was horrific, her biological father attacked me the week before and ruptured my placenta when he repeatedly kicked me in the stomach. I was ill the whole week after but being on my own with Isla and the stubborn bitch I am I kept going. Even though I had horrific SPD, morning sickness, kidney infections and migraines I never stopped. The day I had Lily I took Isla to nursery feeling awful and all day I wasn't right. About 7pm I had a seizure and managed to get help. It was the first time iv ever gone to hospital on my own but I was convinced it was another kidney infection and id be home in an hour or so. I got taken to the hospital in an ambulance wearing only my dressing gown and underwear. No shoes or nothing lol! I was taken into a room right away and the nurse never left. For 5 mins she stood staring at the monitor. I knew I was having contractions but thought they were Braxton hicks, she quickly left the room and came back with two drs, which is a very rare sight in the royal.

Before I knew it I was being wheeled upstairs to the labour ward and nurses began ramming needles into me, someone's hand was up me, a dr was doing a scan and everyone was panicking. The nurses were failing miserably at finding veins and weren't being careful. I was in tears begging someone to tell me what was going on. I was alone and Iv never been as scared in my life. A man started tearing my piercings out and finally a woman came up to me demanding I sign a consent form for an emergency c section. I screamed begging someone to phone my mum or Kat or anyone I just did not want to be alone. I didn't want to make the decision. The dr told me I had to sign it now or me and my baby would die. There's nothing like a death threat to make you react.

I signed the form and was instantly taken to theatre. This all happened in less than fifteen minutes let me add! the last thing I remember is looking up at the lights as a man pushed down on my throat. I felt the scalpel cut into me....

6 hours later I woke up in the most pain Iv ever felt. I woke up and the first thing I did was scream and scream. A nurse rushed over and showed me the morphine button. That shit was amazing. She then wheeled over the baby. She was tiny and fragile. She wasn't the baby I'd pictured abs instantly I felt I'd failed her. The nurse to me how I'd lost 7 out of 8 pints of blood, had 4 transfusions and all my veins had collapsed. She told me the baby had been drowning and if I'd waited another 30 mins we both wouldn't have made it.

Lily wasn't doing to great so was taken to neonatal unit. She needed help breathing abd a feeding tube. She also needed antibiotics and help regulating her temperature. I didn't see her for two days as I was in high dependacy off my face on morphine.

Recovering from the c section was awful. Even a year later it still doesn't feel right. I struggled to build a bond with Lily and was very very unwell after I had her. It's something that haunts me. But over the year we have bonded and life is beautiful now.

That's why I had a party. So I can remember today and everything after. Not what happened in the beginning. Thank you everyone who made it special for us. There's not enough words. Xxxx