The warmth of good friends....

Tonight we've had a relaxed evening with some very good friends. It was a lovely evening, with delicious food and great company.

I've made myself feel very anxious about this coming weekend.

It is my decision to be a stay at home mum; I wanted to be there for the first word, the first step and the first day of school. Being a stay at home Mum has it's advantages and it's disadvantages. The most important advantage to me is being here 100% of the time for all of our girls. One disadvantage in today's society is the financial strain this puts on us all as a family, particularly Peach.

Peach has many loves in his life; his family, his cars and his music.

This weekend it's my birthday; I love birthday's. I think it's important to make the birthday person feel special, whether that be by a personal Happy Birthday phone call sing song, a personalised card or an extra special gift. Either way, it's a special day specifically for that person.

This weekend it's also Download.. It's an amazing 3 day music festival with some fantastic bands. When I booked the ticket for Peach to go, I knew it would be my birthday weekend, but didn't think it would bother me. This was a gift to Peach, to show him we appreciate all that he does. A chance for him to let his hair down and enjoy one of his passions. However as the weekend has got closer, I have sunk deeper and deeper into my own anxiety.

Peach is coming home every night and will be around for a couple of hours each morning, and I know I should be grateful for that. But to be completely honest, I think it would be easier for me if he wasn't here. It's hard to explain, and I appreciate it sounds very selfish and ungrateful.

I have had some lovely offers of friends and family willing to come round and help me with the girlies. And I am happy to accept all the help I can get. I love being a Mum, I love our girls and yet, it is hard work looking after four young children. Yes it was my choice to have them so close in age and I have my reasons.

Friends and family know how I love birthday's and are excited for me for this weekend. Yet every time I think about it, I just want to cry. I don't want to be without Peach for the day. He is my family and I feel I don't want it to be my birthday without him.