Good Grief 19

Time. This dandelion clock represents the weirdness of time for me these days. A great favourite comment in response to grief is, 'time is a great healer'. Can you hear the deep sigh? Yet another one of these hideous expressions. A return to the anodine and 'let's move swiftly on'. Like so many of these expressions that tend to close the conversation down rather than open it out. They tend to be another indicator that we just don't know how to respond to death any more and do our best to just skim over that nasty thing.
Just at the moment I seem to be living in multiple time zones. There is then, all the horror leading up to the inevitable which is even more fully known now than then. Then I was too busy getting on with it. It was unfolding, unknown and did not have the context of now. There is the bewilderment of anniversaries as they come around and the many many layers that each brings with them. And then there is the difference between each of them. Each with a character of its own. At the moment I feel a strange sense of panic, I feel there is something I should be doing, I wake in the night with a sense that something bad is going to happen, which, of course, is true, it just depends which time zone we are in. I don't mind too much. To me it is part of the the unfolding. I can even find myself getting a bit weird about it and see it as the unfolding or time itself and it will continue to ripple through eternity. All will be well (except for when I'm panicking, obviously!).
So, as for Time. It seems to me it is just like blowing the seeds from the dandelion clock and expecting to know the 'true' time. It is a nonsense in that context. And as for time 'healing' ... It is just too simplistic. It is a relationship, a dance, it is both light and it hangs heavy. It brings unfolding layers of pain and moments of joy, beauty and love. Time just is what it is, everything and nothing. And so are we.