Bee Cause

Now isn't really the best time to start a new charity, given that so many are already out there vying for attention and cash that just doesn't exist. But there's enough weepy adverts on telly about furry animals in distress, so why not add one more to the mix?

Because up till now, no one has ever considered the dreadful plight of bees with hay fever. I hadn't considered it myself until this afternoon, when I realised I was largely skint and needed an influx of money. At that exact moment, I distinctly heard the sound of this bee sneezing, and realised that bees with hay fever need to be brought into the general public consciousness, at least until I have a large amount of cash resting in my bank account.

From high-profile A-list galas to telethons, the Bee Allergy Lenification & Ladronism Service - BALLS, for short - will soon be the most fashionable charity in the country, with celebrities falling over themselves to present me with those oversized cheques that are hopefully cashable in the Dudley branch of NatWest. It will change the lives of pollen-plagued bumblers everywhere. Possibly.

So please, give generously, rich idiots of the world. Your donation could well mean that little Fluffy here will live to see me move into a mansion right next door to yours. (If you have an aversion to football and loud reggae music, you'd best make a note of it on the back of the cheque).