The source of abject terror

I don't even know how to begin to explain my evening. My opening gambit is that I am glad that my boy is safe, and in equal measure I am furious at his lack of common sense, my lack of foresight in anticipating that a situation could occur and the fact that I allowed myself to panic. Equally, it was fair to panic!

My boy has had the same after school routine since September. He comes home. He dumps his bag unceremoniously in the hallway, hangs his blazer on the stairs or the back of a kitchen chair, leaves his keys on the table - he leaves an obvious and untidy trail of 'breadcrumbs' that indicate his presence at home. If he goes out, he leaves a note on the whiteboard in our kitchen. This is how it is, it never changes.

I arrived home at 6pm and Corin asked me where James was. I immediately worried, but figured there would be an obvious answer - round at one of his friends. I text the parents of the other children I know that he socialises with, and all of them said "No, he's not here".

I wandered to the astroturf at school, figured maybe he was there and had lost track of time. No.

It was 6.30pm. School finished at 3.30, we live 5 minutes from school. The panic rose quickly and it was all I could do not to scream.

The astroturf is on the school premises and fortunately, there was an evening event taking place. I figured that it would be just the sort of scatty thing that he would do to volunteer to help but to forget to tell me. So I politely ignored the entrance queue and found a member of staff and asked. They checked - no, he wasn't helping, performing or in the audience...they mobilised students and staff...they were thorough. He wasn't there.

One of the senior team came out and spoke with me and mobilised herself to help me to find him. I was beside myself at this point - everything felt wrong, the fact that his routine had been broken AND that I had checked with him this morning and he had reassured me that he had his keys - there was no reason why he shouldn't be at home.

We went into school, the Headteacher came out, we went through all of the possible places he could be, she took names of friends I know but don't know phone numbers of and she went off to start ringing round for me. She gave me her mobile number, I gave her mine and she said to me to go home and ring the police.

It took every ounce of self control I had to walk back home. Every fibre of me was simultaneously trying to find a reasonable explanation but was also imagining the very worst. I have never been so terrified as I was at that point.

I came home. Checked with a neighbour and got a brief sense of "it will be OK" when she said that she had seen him outside our front door, with a friend, at around 4pm. But still, that was 3 hours previous...

I was literally just about to ring the police and report him missing when I heard Corin outside ..."Your mum is inside, you best go and speak to her"....

Dear GOD! The emotions flooded....relief that I cannot describe, quickly pushed aside by anger...but fortunately I know better than to react. He knew. Without words, he knew. He simply got "Go inside, get a shower, get changed and then get back downstairs"...in the meantime, I had a cup of tea and a cigarette and got my head together.

So, he had LEFT HIS KEYS at home, despite my checking with him this morning. He had gone to a friends house (4 miles away - his friend's mum came and picked them up) and according to james, he had written a note and pushed it through the door. However, the note didn't make it through the door and it is only for the fact that our neighbour saw him writing something that I know I believe that he at least tried to leave us a message.

As I explained to him what had happened in his 'absence' it dawned on him that he had caused significant panic. Equally, it dawned on me that because he was locked out, his phone was in the house, and much like me, without his phone, he doesn't know any numbers, so he couldn't ring. However, he also acknowledged that he should have told our neighbour (as he had spoken too her!) and asked her to let me know. It is resolved, he understands, our numbers have been written in his journal, his teachers know that he is safe and we have returned to normal.

he is grounded, as such, until Friday and knows that he has to come home and revise for his end of year tests like his life depended on it. I think I am also going to make him ring me when he gets in so I know for certain.

I had wine at 8pm when he came downstairs. That's the earliest I have done that on a school night for a long time. I think I might need a little cry as well...