All Enquiries

Does my bum look big in this?

Why is it always the cute postman that needs my signature for a parcel when I've either just woken up, just put a face mask on or in the middle of losing my temper?

Will I grow old to be a sweet smiling old granny or a cantankerous old hag with bouts of lunacy?

What kind of half arsed bad joke of a Summer is this?

Why is my computer so slow?

What am I thinking?

How am I going to go into the kitchen to turn the heating off without eating a bowl of Cheerios?

Where do all the pens in this house disappear to?

Are they hanging out with all the missing odd socks?

Are they all laughing at me?


I hope you're ready for me, Safeland.