Seeing Things Clearly

I've had this board hanging in my kitchen since last summer. I wanted a little chalkboard to write silly things on. My sister and her husband had a chalkboard wall in taupe in their last house, which they delighted in writing funny sayings, messages and notes etc. My house is lacking space, so I thought a hanging one might be just right. 

When I bought it, I was in the throes of getting over guy-friend, or rather trying and clutching at anything that might make me feel better. It was a pretty crappy summer, as my blips last year reflected. But I made it, and I managed to drag myself up. I returned to school, continued to see my therapist, and began to feel hope and positivity. I went on a few dates, but didn't click with anybody. 

I'm drifting. On this chalkboard, I wrote " I will survive without M*** H*****!". It was a bit of a mantra at first, reminding me that everyday when I felt bad, I would make it. But it was also a bit of a joke. I showed the picture to friends once the dust settled, and we joked that every time I had a good date, I would rub off one of the letters at a time.

And then last November, I met T, or as he's really known, my Tim :-) And everything changed. I never expected this bit of fun to lead to a boyfriend, the most stable and amazing man I think it's ever been my privilege to know. I went into it thinking it was just a bit of fun, after all, there's four years between us, with me on the older side! After all the stress of guy-friend, it seemed unwise to think this might be different.

But it evolved into something fantastic, but most definitely unexpected. We've spent every single weekend since January together. I went to Amsterdam to see his hometown, and met his parents multiple times before when they came to London. He fitted easily into my family, and they really liked him. Little Ro came out with us a few times, and he provided a good ear for her dating dramas. And even Little B loved him, licked him, you get the idea, although he was a bit perturbed when Tim came to stay with me a few weeks ago and we all had to bunk in together! 

But despite all these lovely things, I've spent many months holding hands with Tim, whilst looking back over my shoulder at the past. Wondering what guy-friend was doing, what was going on with him. And for what? 

Well, it took last weekend to make me think about that. I think I fell properly in love with Tim that weekend in July when we went to Amsterdam. Seeing his home, and his lovely friends and the way he interacted with everyone and lit up the room gave me that squishy feeling inside. And I felt something. I missed him when I came home, and then we only had a week or so together before he went away for a month long vacation with his family.

I was really sad to see him go. My summer felt quite empty, despite going away to Spain for  week myself. And this amazing man kept in constant contact with me throughout his entire trip, from Managua, Nicaragua to Guatemala, Belize, Mexico, and Miami. Photos, video clips, little hearts on whatsapp pulsing, followed by the words I Love You! 

And finally, on September 4th, after 6 weeks off and my second day back at work, we finally got to see each other again. Except I was stressed. I was worried about going home, having been staying away for a month, the struggle and the fear of how I can possibly cope with being responsible for 30 five-year-olds day in and day out all over agin. So our weekend was perhaps not as amazing as we had both imagined. We had fun, but we both agreed it was "weird" and had not allowed us much real communication. 

We have Facetimed every evening for about six months, so we continue this through the week until we see each other at the weekend. But Tim was  away the next weekend, and went to Brugge for a special weekend for his ailing Grandma. He is very close to her, and she's not expected to survive another year, so this was an important and emotional family trip. He invited me beforehand, but in the end it was just close family as there were a few partners that weren't welcome, so they had to have a one-rule for everyone rule. 

But he Facetimed many times that weekend, and by the power of Wifi, I was introduced to many of his relatives. So I spent the weekend amusing myself. And it was another weekend we didn't get back into our usual routine.

Last week we planned what we were going to do, Facetimed and whatsapp'd every day. I had my hospital appointment last Thursday, and he was worried what the results might be.

We went out Friday night, and things were good. 

And then Saturday. We had plans to go to the cinema. Tim was going to cook dinner for us beforehand, and we talked that morning. And then I was two hours late. I don't know why. I find it hard to meet time deadlines, and this one cost me.

I don't really want to even write it down. There were lots of tears, and he said he just wanted to spend more time with me. But somehow I fear we have split up. And I haven't really been able to function since. I haven't been to work yet this week. I've been there before, and couldn't cope when I was this upset. I've not got a job where you can hide if you're having a bad day. 

I went to see A, my therapist on Tuesday instead of wednesday, who cried with me. She agreed it doesn't add up. We need to talk again. I want Tim to know that I realise that living in the shadow of guy friend has really hurt him, and he's probably been too nice and patient to let me know how much it has.

It's like I've had a wake up call. Tim is the most important thing to me, and I need to let him know that. I'll have to find the right way. 

One thing immediately became crystal clear to me, and it's taken over a year. It's not guy-friend I want at all, it's Tim. 

And on Tuesday I went home and rubbed that stupid sign out and wrote this instead. I want to send him a picture of it, but perhaps it's not the right time. 

I suppose I'll have to figure it out.