SO ALONE

Well this is my view of the world at the moment, driving down a dark road on my own, it became so apparent to me life is never simple, we can accolade the greatest of plans, only for them to be broken, smashed if I dare to say it.

Yesterday I blipped about an amazing person, someone who means so much to me I was only able to express my feelings this way, until the point they tell me Im too late, their hand belongs to another, and now that dark road seems so dimley lit that seeing straight becomes hard, writing this is helping, normally this would just be bottled, vented eventually by some form of deep hidden anger, regret and hatred for myself, I did it again, why me, how do I not do it again, all questions I will never answer.

Im probably not going to speak to this person again, which upsets me so much, but I cant allow myself to go through this again, not after last time, its so difficult to understand if youve never been through it, im sure at some stage we all have and will, I just seem to get it a lot.

Now I will have to live with the what ifs, what if I had spoken just those few weeks earlier, what if ive missed something amazing, people dont think a lot of themselves, but these are the people that are truly amazing.

I find myself now talking to others, thinking its just not the same as talking to her, and not just whats been said immediately, but the stuff before that, the times we were really getting to know each other, sitting on that bench waisting the winters night away, these are the things you remember, and what I will endevour to find again in life.

Tonight will be difficult, and easier everyday from there, my consolidation is my friends and family, but that doesnt fill that gap, to be honest I dont know if this person could have, but now I'll never know.

I suppose I can only say, as my dear nan would, thats the way the cookie crumbles, my only ask of this person is always be happy, I dont want to see posts like the last couple, be smiling, be joyfull and comfortable in your own skin.

Night night xx