Sky Blue and Black

How can the sky be so blue, the weather so delightfully warm and bright, and yet I feel so terrible? 

We've been blessed with over a week of gorgeous summer-in-autumn weather, and I've been too sad to enjoy it.

I woke up around 9am this morning. Strangely I've been sleeping well at night. A blessing as I know how horrible it is to be gripped by anxiety that wakes you from sleep. When it is morning I wish it was night, when it's dark, I wish it was morning. I can't win. 

I stayed at my mum's last night. I went home and spent two nights at my house at the end of the week. And I spent last night and tonight here. I don't really know why. Nowhere feels quite right. I want to not be alone, but when I'm at "home" the only person I really want to talk to is my mum. She's been extremely patient and understanding, even though I've been a bit of a black cloud all week. That's how amazing mum's are I suppose, able to keep you going where others might give up. 

I went home around 11am to get washed and dressed. I didn't even bring my toothbrush overnight. I got ready, decided to continue the theme of no makeup. It's been quite nice to give my skin a break. Later on I decided I ought to make the effort for Tim, so that he didn't see me falling apart. I used a few bits from my handbag, and borrowed a few things from my mum. I did a good job. Not super smoky eyes like normal, but softer, in a good way.

I thought Tim might not call like he had promised. I should have known better, as he called me before 12pm. He sounded ok, and told me he would let me know which train he was getting. I felt better. I called a friend of ours Sophie, and asked for her advice. She knows how much we both love each other, and hoped we could work it out. 

I went back to Mum's. I felt physically sick, like I have a lot this week. Shaking hands, wobbly legs. I tried to concentrate on some internet reading, but I was distracted. I knew I had the fight of my life on my hands. I went upstairs to re-read the letter I had written to him. I used my previous blip as a starting point, and it turned into 8-pages of thoughts, apologies, and of regret. Of pleading for another chance for him to see the real me, to experience the real deal with his girlfriend who should have given him that experience the last nine months. Only she couldn't have then. 

I picked him up from the station. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. We talked quietly on the way back to my house. Nothingy stuff really. When we pulled up, he suggested we go for a walk. But I didn't want anyone to see me, as I've been off work all week, and if I were spotted, people (parents, etc) might assume (wrongly) that I'm fine and should be teaching their children every day. 

So we sat on my couch. In my house. And I looked around me and told him this was exactly what I should have been doing with him all of this year. He was quiet and let me talk. He let me apologise many times. He listened. And I listened to him. He swallowed a lot, and his beautiful blue eyes shone with tears. He cuddled me and stroked my back, and told me what an amazing person I am. I don't feel it. I feel wholly undeserving of those words. I hurt him by being scared. By closing door when it could have been so simple. By my past, that lingered next to me and kept me looking backwards when I should have been following Tim. I expressed profusely my desire to work this out. To be given another chance to make it right. I painted a picture for him of how our life could be. A lot of the things that seemed so important last weekend when we talked suddenly didn't anymore. 

I know he's protecting himself. He didn't want to hurt me. But I hurt him. And I was so thoughtless and consumed by grief initially that I didn't see it. And I realise now how much it made him feel like a second choice. This wasn't something either of us were looking for. But it turned into something amazing. 

And I'm struggling. As I know he's likely going to stick with his decision. He kind of had to, fearing that being rejected any further by my actions might make his pain unbearable. I KNOW that I can give him 100 per cent. That I can let him fully into my world without worry that it might put him off. I can give him the experience he should have had. We both love each other, so it should be easy? There's been no one else involved, on either side, so what's the problem? But I think my dear Tim has chosen to think of protecting himself. And I fear that he thinks it's for the best. 

He held me and we kissed. He is the best man I've ever known, words just don't do him justice. I showed him the photos of us I put in frames in my bedroom. I didn't do it this week, I did them in August, and I showed him them when we Facetimed. He gave me a big hug in my bedroom. 

We stood in front of the sign and hugged. For the longest time. 

I gave him the card, and he said he'd read it later. He told me he still loves me, that you don't just turn those feelings off. I know you sure as hell can't. I drove him to the station. He was trying to keep himself in check. We talked a little. He assured me that I can call him anytime, and that we'll see each there again. And that's what's keeping me going. He kissed me like he usually does as he got out of the car. Waved at me as he walked away.

My heart is broken in two. I feel horrible. I keep alternating between hope and despair. My mum thinks time will help. For him, for me. I fear he will learn to live without me, meet somebody else. I don't want anyone else. I hope he can take a risk, and give me another chance. But it's one I fear he won't take. I should have got this right the first time around, but A reminds me that I couldn't, I wasn't in that place. 

I've fucked it all up. And once again, I'd do anything to undo it. All I have is regret. And I feel it's not fair, that I should have caught a break this time around. But as a good friend reminded me, life is indeed unfair. 

I don't know what to do now. 

I miss my dear Tim. What will I do without him?