Sad.

This is exactly how I feel. Heartbroken. I have lost my friends and I have lost the girl I love. I feel nothing, and I just found out my best friend's gran has died and I am so sad because I have known her since I was 3 and everything is just so painful.

I feel so alone. Laura's coming over in about half an hour. I'm going to end up crying. I listened to a song which reminded me of when I was so happy with Bethan, and just burst into tears. My arms are destroyed and I am so unhappy.

I had false hope yesterday, now I feel sick and I woke up knowing I have to paint my walls again because reading what she wrote just breaks my heart because I love her so much.

My dad came in this morning and started crying because I couldn't breathe for the tears, he hugged me and he promised it'd be okay. I've applied for college photography next year but I don't know if i'll even make it to the end of this year, I feel like i'm dying.

I miss you lot, and I miss her. I miss how happy I once was, and I miss being able to just laugh without going home and crying. This is it. The ultimatum, the impending, there is nothing I can do to stop it. For I have nothing left to fight for.

~

I just want you back here, in this bed, watching youtube videos about drunk cooking lesbians and laughing hysterically then kissing you and brushing my nose against yours and watching your little face light up when I told you I love you, I want to watch house with you and hold your hand again, cuddle you in the cold and lend you my jumpers, I want to see you walking towards me and feel the butterflies I love so much because you are so beautiful. I want to stand next to you smiling and just knowing that you're the girl I want to have, for always. I want to kiss your forehead and enquire if you're okay, and search for your hand through your long sleeves, to link my fingers through yours and promise to be there for you. I miss having your heart, it fit so perfectly to fill the hole that is now gaping from it's loss. Shards of skin and bone hanging loosely from it's edges, after your heart left it. I want us, again.