Learn to Love

Hospital site visit.

Oh. Medicine is a different beast over here. Visited the hospital (jibitallia) today... it was built in the 1930s and has never been renovated. As we walked into the pediatric ward, I felt my heart tighten and I just braced myself. Those poor, sweet children. Their faces. Their naked bodies. The smell of urine. There was one child in critical condition being held by his grandmother. His mother, sitting two beds away with her sisters and brother, had been crying all morning because her baby is not well. The baby was alert but convulsing. We prayed over him and held onto him, lifting up words of prayer for the family and strength for the little babe.

In another room off the main hall, a mother sat on the bed looking at her four-month-old twins. They were both anemic, one worse than the other. The mother had no food to eat so she wasn't producing milk, so in turn, the babies were not eating either. It seemed that the one who was worse off was too weak to suckle anyway. We asked what they were doing for the babies.. are they going to start an IV? Are the babies drinking formula? Is anyone cooking for the mother?

They had no plans to start an IV; the babies were not drinking formula; no one is cooking for the mother. There is a father, but he is not helping his family. He is not taking care of them.

Taking care. That brings me to my knees and tears to my eyes.

I got extremely emotional as we were walking out of the hospital. Those conditions.. how terrible to be sick enough to have to go to the hospital. No doctors were making rounds today, though they usually have two MDs during the week (I think). The clinical officers would be back on Monday to see to the children. Two men (possibly students) were walking us around and explaining the specific cases to us. I watched as one of them helped a woman start an IV in a baby while he was breastfeeding. Malaria is the main problem.. and since the species of malaria here is Plasmodium falciparum... it is the dangerous kind of malaria. This one causes severe anemia/cerebral infarcts/strokes/death. The other species of malaria do not kill you. This one will.

In America, we would spend so much time and so much money to save that little twin's life. But here, it is basically just survival of the fittest. If the baby isn't going to survive, is it feasible for them to spend time, effort, medicine, money on the child? They do not think so.

Norma, Jessica, Pilar, Danielle, and I went to the market to buy the sick twins two bottles, baby formula, and a blanket. While we were gone, we prayed for the twins, for the baby in critical condition, for the others we did not meet. We returned to the hospital to give the items to their mother. Norma secretly handed her cash to buy food and we gave her a granola bar. As we were leaving, the baby started suckling; it was so precious. What an answer to prayer that she held one of her sons in her arms. We will return to the hospital tomorrow and Monday. We will bring her more food so she can begin to make her own milk again.

I don't know if I could handle living here and doing this for my life. I would cry every day of my life for these children. I need thicker skin. Tears do not accomplish anything. I like doing. Feeling helpless does not suit me.

And yet, personally, the thing I want most in my life is to be taken care of. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel cared for. To feel protected. I've been feeling very sad for the past few days.. and I can't even explain it fully. I can take care of myself, I know that. But I am tired of feeling like I have to all the time. I am tired of being strong. I need the fear of a love that's lost. I need to stop trying to count the cost. I need to fight on the losing side. And always hold true. I will always stay with you.

'Til we know the pain of a broken heart we can't walk through the fires we didn't start. Just hold onto the way it is tonight and learn to love through the darkness and the light. I'm on your side.

I had the fortune of a second chance. I know the reason why we all should dance. I've seen the end and all you have to do is always hold true. I'm on your side.

'Til we know the broken heart we can't walk through the fires we didn't start. Just hold onto the way it is tonight and learn to love through the darkness and the light.