Of Past Regret and Future Fear....

Sums things up right now! * I've been re-watching ER, one of my all time favourite shows, and I've stolen the episode title for my blip today. 

I took quite a few pictures today. I felt pretty anxious last night, getting prepped for today. I went home at 8pm, and tried to chill out. Then I decided to call Kim, who is brilliant at pep talks, and she reminded me of all the reasons why this could be a good thing for me, and to at least see it through. I felt 100% better after I talked to her, and I appreciated her advice. I organised the bits I needed for today- passport, Euros ("borrowed" from my Dad ;-), and some certificates that were required. I know my QTS certificate is buried somewhere in a box but as a flouter of rules I couldn't really be bothered to look for it, and figured if they really need it, then I'll devote myself to finding it! 

I stayed up too late, trying to soothe myself and run through what I needed to do in the morning. I set my alarm for 4am, and was awake on and off all night, worrying I'd oversleep. I was up at 4:15am, even before the heating came on....

I felt quite calm, and peaceful, and came down and made a cup of tea. I looked at the internet for a bit, then drank my tea and got ready. I managed to do all I needed, and was ready at 5:30am. It was a bit of a rush, but I got out the door in time, and made it to the station for the train that came before 6am. 

I arrived at Gatwick and after going through security, I parked myself in Pret where I had porridge and tea. I didn't feel very good though. My tummy was hurting, and it's been bothering me for weeks as I have a lot of bloating, and pain on one side. Truth be told I've been having a lot of things like that recently- headaches, neck pain, throat feels blocked, not being bothered about food etc. My mum noticed shrieked that the palms of my hands are yellow, and a friend at work told me my eyes looked yellow. Sigh. I'm sure it's nothing, I think it's more likely to be stress, and since September, things have been very stressful. 

I felt quite nervous, and had doubts about whether my motives were in the right place for today. I had expected to cry or feel horrible at some point, but I didn't. Unfortunately on the flight out, I was right at the back, but across both aisles were about 8 'lads' on a birthday weekend, who jeered and bantered the whole way through the flight. I just want to scream "Shut the f*** up!" But you can't, so you shut your eyes and give thanks that it's a short flight ;-) 

After we landed (loudly and a bit wildly due to the wind), I walked down the steps into the cold air and bright sunshine. It felt very strange, walking the same way as I did in July, and I took it all in. How your life can change in just three months :-(

Huge queue at passport control, when I wondered if I really wanted to be here. As I came through the arrivals hall was the hardest part. In the same unfamiliar airport in July, I looked around, squinting, until I saw my Tim, looking nervously at me from behind the barrier. And I felt pretty sad. How I would have loved to be with him, without him, and being here just didn't feel quite right. I pushed those feelings to one side, and tried to get my bearings. I grabbed a tea at Starbucks, the first of many today, and headed towards the station part. 

It was easy enough to buy a ticket and find the platform, and pretty soon I was on my way to Den Haag Centraal. I was trying to look at it as a day out, but I couldn't help the sadness as the last time I took the train here I was with Tim and Laura. I quite like their trains here though- you can sit either upstairs or downstairs, and I chose up to get a better view. 

All I saw were fields, waterways everywhere. It was nice to get a feel for the place, and even better to see it in sunshine. I arrived in the Hague at around 1pm, an hour before my interview. I took a taxi, and that gave me a chance to see the centre in a bit more detail. It's very different to home, and yet similar in lots of ways. 

I arrived at the school, and from behind big iron gates, I could see the children all playing outside. I wondered how to get in, and there was no buzzer, and assumed that it would be the same as most British schools- i.e., fort knox. But in the end I just followed somebody in, and somebody directed me to the main entrance. I was greeted by an office lady who was expecting me. I was about 30 minutes early, and she told me to make myself comfortable and wait in the foyer. This was a good place as I got to see each class come through, albeit at different/staggered times. It felt very different to home. They all wore their own clothes, so no uniform, and were a bit more rowdy coming in, not like at home where we make sure everybody is walking in a line and quiet!

I sneaked a few pictures whilst I was there, and to be honest, the travelling was at the forefront of my mind, so prepping for the interview was second to that!

I was led to meet the two guys that were interviewing me. The director of the school, and a lovely man who was part of SLT and also the SENCo. I thought the director was a bit stern, and that he wasn't going to like me very much. But he was very nice, and explained the process. He said he liked my letter and asked me lots of questions. I felt a bit bamboozled, and I felt I gabbled a bit which I do when I'm nervous. In my head I felt he might not be liking my answers but I just tried to answer them honestly. I had to describe how my classroom works, etc. and when we were at the end, he asked me to convince him "why should I hire you?". I hate that question! 

He said he would find the secretary to give me a tour as I hadn't yet seen the school, and that he would likely let me know the outcome next week. He couldn't find anyone to give me a tour, so he did it himself. It was now raining, and by all accounts, hometime, so there were children walking/running everywhere and lots of parents wandering around too. I suppose it gives you a feel for the place ;-) We met up with the secretary on the stairs, and they excused themselves for talking in Dutch. He then took me back downstairs, and asked if I was in a rush and could I wait a few minutes. I said yes, and was then ushered into an empty office while he chatted with the SENCo. 

He then came back in to ask me about QTS and which age group I preferred (there were two vacancies, one in lower primary, one in nursery). And then he asked me to come back with them to the interview room. I knew what he was going to say next. He said he wasn't going to beat around the bush, and that they were going to offer me the job in Nursery, from February. I was surprised, to say the least! I thanked them, but I said I needed time to think about it. I suspect they were surprised to hear that, but I said it's a huge decision, and he said that that's why he asked me about how I might feel moving countries. (He actually asked me how my friends and family would feel if I moved). They were very nice, and said they would put the offer formally via email next week, said they would help to find somewhere to live, talk salary etc. 

And then I was off. The office lady called a taxi for me, and I waited inside while it rained. I was pretty pleased that I got the job, but not sure I can really take it, which then makes me feel bad, as I feel I would have wasted their time. I think they interviewed 4 people including me at the 2nd interview stage. 

I took a taxi back to the Hague station, and saw it all as we wound our way through the streets in the rain. 

Lots to think about. I managed to find my way back through to the right platform, and took the train back to Schiphol. 

On the train I watched, and saw lots of people commuting home on a Friday night, much like any other city. Once I arrived back at Schiphol it was nearly 5pm. My flight wasn't until 9:30pm, so I had a lot of time to kill. Fortunately Schiphol is a nice and modern airport, so there are much worse places to be stranded. I toyed with the idea of trying to change my flight, but in the end it would have been quite expensive for just a couple of hours. I stayed downstairs and walked, and walked and walked! I looked in the shops, and spent quite a bit of time in Hema. It's like a Dutch version of Ikea, minus the furniture ;-) They're starting to pop up over here, we have one in Kingston. I bought lots of treats- Pepernoten, and Marzipan Potatoes! It's getting ready for Sinterklaas there, so the shops are full of sweet treats ready for celebrations. I went to Albert Heijn and bought some more Stroopwafels, and some red pepper sticks for dinner. 

Then after multiple texts to Kim, who wanted to know how I got on, I decided to go back to Starbucks. There were so many restaurants that I couldn't choose anything to eat! I sat there for nearly an hour, but there wasn't really anything to do as my phone had almost now power so I couldn't internet really. My mum offered me her i-pad for the day, but I wish I'd taken her up on her offer now ;-) 

Around 7pm I decided to head on up to departures, which was very quiet. I saw the exact place that Tim dropped me off, and where I found it quite sad to leave him. It was very strange standing in those spots and revisiting the same places, as just over three months ago things seemed blissfully perfect. I remember looking at him until he disappeared out of sight from the escalator last time. 

Once upstairs, I went through security, following two little girls and their mum. My bag was stopped, so while I was waiting I turned around as they were body searching one of the little girls. Then I realised I knew them. I went over to their mum, as I used to teach Noelle when she was in reception at my school 5 years ago! They are Dutch, and moved away before the end of the year. But the family were so lovely, I remember he mum giving me a hug and taking a picture with Noelle on her last day. Noelle couldn't really remember me (she's nearly 10 now!) and was a bit shy ;-) Her mum told me they'd moved back to Eindhoven, and asked me what I was doing here. It was so funny to see them (she was one of my favourites ;-) and a kind of sign from above perhaps to show me that nice things can still happen I suppose ;-)

I hung out downstairs, and wished I'd brought my phone charger, as there were sockets everywhere. Some Spanish guys saw me pleading with my eyes when my phone was at about 5%, and offered me theirs, which was really kind :-) 

About an hour before the flight was due to go, I went to the toilet and went to check the board. I stood around underneath, but for the whole of the next hour it did not say go to gate, or in fact anything, despite it getting closer and closer to the take off time. I was resigned to the fact that it was going to be late, and kept checking. All of the others said the usual things, like go to gate, wait in lounge etc, but lots including mine said nothing. About 9:30pm, I was talking to another man, when I looked at the board and it flashed red "gate closing"! 

I have NEVER missed a flight in my life, so there was only one thing left to do- run! And run I did! To a few chuckles of others! I had to stop before I reached the gate, my lungs could not carry on. But when I got there I saw a line, so I knew it was ok. I could not understand how that happened though! I followed the instructions on the board! 

I couldn't stop coughing, and coughed my way through most of the journey. They said we were late because of the wind, and the last flight had had to wait and take a scenic tour of NL in the process! 

I was so tired, and dozed a little. The usual queue at Gatwick, which meant that I was never going to make the train, so had to wait for the last one. It was 12:15am by the time the train pulled in. And then I drove home. 

So tired, but happy and quite liberated by the highs of the day. As it turned out, guy-friend was in Amsterdam today, and we chatted a little bit via text at the airport. He is from the Hague so I sent him a pic earlier in the day. I should add that Tim sent me a text to say good luck, which I appreciated but it made me feel sad as well. I expect he'll encourage me to take the job as it lowers any expectation of us getting back together, and then he'll feel better I suppose. 

I realised that I can take care of myself, and that friends and family are only a phone call or text away. I made all of the decisions today, and I didn't need help from anybody. It was liberating, and I'm glad I went. I walked with my head a little higher going home, perhaps as it's been such a long time since I had any sort of boost in my professional life. It felt good. But it also made me think that while I want to go away at Christmas, it could be quite lonely not having anybody to talk to for 5-7 days. I'm not sure how to solve that one yet. 

Decisions to make I suppose. I'll need to figure out for myself what the right thing to do is. For today, I enjoyed my little adventure, and my victory with my own self doubt. 

I have a lot to think about.