Home Again

I didn't get to bed until 2am last night. I worked out I'd been up for 22 hours...

After yesterday's sun, it has rained the entire day today, which was a bit depressing. I got ready, and did all my house jobs, while thinking about the events of yesterday. I was travelling and had no power on my phone, so it was only this morning that I saw the terrible events in Paris. What is this world coming to?

I went over to mum's and told them all about yesterday. I spent a lot to time thinking, and ended up not leaving their house the entire day. Cups of tea, internetting, and thinking. 

My parents were going to a ball, and sister number two was threatening to  go out as well. I messaged a couple of friends to see if they were going out. This time last year made the effort to go out every Saturday night up in London, and they were always good nights in a familiar place. I'm quite chatty and I'll talk to anyone, but I don't tend to go out unless I've actually got plans. But if I don't how will I meet anyone else? Last year I took a chance going out, and I met dear Tim ;-) Tim

I don't really want to, I know exactly who I want to be with. It's always on my mind, and I know that in the beginning of every new thing, be they relationships or other things, I feel fear, and apprehension. It takes me time to get used to things, and by the time I'm comfortable, things have changed, and it's too late. It took me a long time to catch up to Tim. I wonder what it must be like to be so sure of everything right off the bat. That doesn't tend to be me. It's like my brain and emotions need time to get used to things, rather than just taking them as they come. By the time I caught up to Tim, whatever was going on for him had prevailed. I'd finally got it, and was sure of us, and then it was taken away. 

I spoke to him on Wednesday night, and told him my plans. We spoke for nearly an hour, and most of it was light and nice. But there were still tough subjects which made my chest whoosh. I actually felt I could go under with the physical effects of stress on my body. But I didn't cry this time. I chatted it out with my mum, and vented my anger I suppose. That and the frustration. I stayed till 11pm, and missed the gym. Then I stood outside chatting to my neighbour in the dark!

I phoned him tonight when he asked how it went. Laura messaged me while I was at the airport Friday night, so I told her I got the job. "Oh, wauw!" she replied! So I figured Tim already knew, but he didn't. He sounded a bit fed up, as he's hurt his back at the gym, and was worried it might be more serious. He said he had a panic attack in the grocery store. I felt really sorry for him. Like I wanted to give him a hug. We talked a lot, and we are going to catch up next weekend. It gives me something to look forward to, even if it's not the capacity I would prefer. 

I've been thinking about it a lot, obviously. That you determine your own value and people will respect that. My pattern is that I always cling on to whatever someone is prepared to give me, rather than setting my own expectations and walking away if need be. I never seem to be in control. It makes me look a bit desperate. But I just can't believe how quickly your life can change, and I keep wishing I could just turn the clock back three months. Even less than that really. 

That's why it's so hard to make my next decision. On the way home I felt quite sure, but since then I'm not. In some ways this could be a fresh start, and take my life in a whole new direction. Or am I just running away? Could I do long distance commuting? Would it really be better there, or would I feel lonely and find it hard to build a life there? I suspect I would always be looking back and wondering what others are doing. Could I give up the gym, Little B, etc? 

I don't know! Maybe it's victory enough to be able to say that I was offered a job in the Netherlands. Will it be better to regret doing something or not doing something? 

Maybe what I've got here is enough. I don't know.... :-/