Good Grief 71

Slow motion
Looking at these remains of the fennel reminds me of fireworks frozen in mid-flow.
I've started writing not knowing what to write - thinking about my old tutor who used to say 'write something every day'.
I think that is one of the things I like about blip - it offers ways of seeing, making links, drawing out ... or just provides a chance to freeze in mid-flow - aware of some sense of everything going off, all around ... the feeling of chaos ... trying to 'hold the centre' ... probably failing but even the failure is probably part of a bigger picture ... perhaps ... hopefully.
I am aware of all those words, so many of them, that somehow come out, they 'pop' like fireworks ... they hang suspended .... currently outside of meaning ... they hang outside of a feeling of any clear context and aren't quite sure yet where and/or how they will fall.
... 'hope' ... that is one that hangs very suspended for now.
I feel as though I drag my carcass of a body through each day with no hope to speak of. 
It's not just words but all the little parts that had made up a previously coherent picture but which have now blown apart, either suddenly, or more slowly and incrementally over time. And I include everything in that ... sense of self, sense of connection to things, people, etc.
Anyway, enough incoherence for the currently exhausted. I started here, not knowing what I would write. I have written but not with any particular coherence. No matter. Perhaps coherence comes later. Perhaps not.

I know that I got home after work. Relieved (and a bit amazed) to have negotiated the day. Yet again, yet again, we have lurched into yet another crisis just weeks after dad dying. Our hand is being forced sooner than we had hoped.
There are so many layers of sadness to this but in the end it is inevitable and I don't mind that in a way, or, at least, I understand it ... It is part of the passage through to the next phase.
What I do mind is the unending loss and pain I feel when I get home and am unable to share this bit of my world with my husband.