Good Grief 77

Zazen
Interestingly (after yesterday's blip) I was reminded of Zazen practice today.
Today was a bright and very beautiful morning and it took me a while to get going but it was so glorious I thought I would make the most of the sun and walk again. So why the reminder of Zazen ...?
There were many lovely sunny places to choose to walk and I walked here. I knew, I knew, I knew that a north-east facing steep slope would not be getting a lot of sun at the end of November in the northern hemisphere. I knew that. What on earth possessed me?
The trunk on the left of the picture is the one I slumped against in tears of realisation. All around me was bright, the whole world was full of brightness and I had managed to find the darkest place to be. Through the darkness of the trees I could see the brightness of the world beyond me. It all seems beyond me. I seem to be incapable of inhabiting the brightness of things. And quite remarkably I manage to find just about the darkest place to walk. It did actually make me smile. And then I thought of Zazen. I thought about choices. I could stay slumped (cold, wet, dark, boring ...and a bit weird); I could go somewhere else (already a bit late, not much daylight time, probably busy ...because living people will be in the sun); or, I could keep going - this, after all is the path I am on. Zazen. Eventually I walked on into some sunlight (extra).

I don't mind seeing everything going on around me. It is lovely in a way at times. But it can create a feeling of great separateness.
It is a few days now since I have spoken to anyone really. I find that quite alright mostly but then struggle when I do have to come into contact with people. When I finished my walk I thought I would drop in on my friend but I found it difficult. I had become withdrawn. I had to pass the house a couple of times before I forced myself to call in and even then didn't stop.
Although I understand the idea of 'sitting with' etc. it can feel at odds with what feels like inherent entropy.
It is a difficult path to negotiate.