Suffering

Little B that is.... ;-) He was made to wear his Christmas jumper so mum could take some nice pics of him for our Christmas card. He stood still and refused to budge throughout. He feels the same way about Christmas as I do I think....

I felt my unease and anxiety sneaking in yesterday, and it got worse as the day went on. I went to gym, but it didn't help as much as it usually does, and I was happy to get home.

I woke up in the night, and was shattered when 6am rolled around. It's hard because I know that on this day a year ago, Tim asked me out on our first official date. I don't know why I need to relive all these dates, it's just me I suppose. I just feel really lost, and I realise I don't like my life, or myself really at the moment. I was watching the show on Channel 4 about four year olds, and one of the psychologists said that " when adults experience low mood, they report having an urge to destroy relationships with those close to them". And that's a bit how I feel today. Nothing makes me feel better. I found the whole three hours of work very difficult today, and just couldn't wait for it to be over. I know if I was happy again I would be able to handle it all, and even find pleasure in the little things. But I can't right now. I haven't got time for any of them and their nonsense at the moment (not the children I hasten to add). They have no idea what it feels like, and when I listen to the things they all whinge and whine about, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I only wish I had trivialities to worry about. 

I'm on a bit of a downer, I know. But I knew after the weekend I would feel sad again. I want my life back. I can't believe this has happened to me. Again. And neither can my friends. I feel hopeless. And I'm getting a bit sick of not having just a little bit of what EVERYBODY else has. It's my turn, and I deserve a bit of what they all have, and seem to have so easily. It's hard not to feel bitter, but I am right now. I don't like me, I don't like my life, and I am trying hard to change things and yet still getting nowhere. Why not me? 

I've officially declined the job offer too. I don't want to be a teacher anymore, and I'm not taking a job doing the same thing albeit in a new environment. It's not the right place, nor the right time for me. I don't think it's what I want. 

What I want, I can't have. Ever.