Fire and Ice

I never get tired of looking at our view. Every day, several times a day, I look out toward the lake and it is always different, always engaging. This is true even on dark gray days, though days like today with clear skies and frost all over everything, are special. 

Living here makes me happy even though the house is too big and full of clutter. To be fair, most of it is stuff that means something to us. Our walls are covered with paintings and prints by me, my brother who is a print maker, and my artist friends. There are nicknacks in lots of places, gifts from friends, memories of travels. Stuff! But good stuff. So I don't "clutter clear" the stuff, though I probably should. Instead I use it to remind me how rich life can be. And I don't mean because of stuff.

Today I'm doing things that need doing while Arvin is at Adult Day Health. We had a kind of rough day yesterday. Neither was in the greatest of moods and we got into it right before bed so we got to bed late. Arvin is really not happy with the changes going on in his brain. (Who would be?) Unlike many people with Alzheimer's he is completely aware of what is happening to him. This is heart wrenching for me and so we talked and I said all the things I'm really not supposed to say, confirming his sense of what is happening rather than changing the subject. And doing things I am supposed to do like comforting him and telling him how much I care about him, and that I'm here to help him as much as I can. 

It hurts to see him go through what is happening to him. He deserves better but I know it is not about what kind of person he is or what he does or doesn't deserve. It is just how it is. He is ill through no fault of his own. It is his and my fate and nothing more. So I try to comfort him and to strategize with him the best ways for him to stay healthy as long as he can and for me to be there as graciously as I can. Together we can make this journey the best it can be given the circumstances.