Sinterklass

I woke up around 9am this morning. It's so nice to wake up in daylight, albeit grey, compared to the pitch darkness of the weekdays.

I spent the morning doing house jobs/chores. Normally I feel quite relaxed doing it, but I felt my anxiety building a bit all day. 

I went to mum's to chill, and chill I did. I had a nice bowl of porridge as it was my dinner!

Around 5pm I headed into Soho to go to Sinterklass. It was boiling hot in there, and I quickly found my friends. Guy friend was DJ-ing, and K and the others were going too. It turned into a really fun night! I danced a lot, it was super busy, and it was a mix of English and Dutch music. The dutch music you really have to be rather inebriated to fully appreciate ;-) 

I think we danced for about 3 hours non-stop! And by the end of it my knees were sore- talk about getting old! I think the highlight for me was being asked for ID at the bar, despite the fact that I go here all the time and I will be 32(!) at the end of the month! 

I had a good night, escapism you might say. As much as I was having a nice time, I had moments where I thought of Tim, and felt a bit panicky. I have to distract myself, or pretend, i.e.; last year I went by myself, as we had had a couple of dates and he was home in NL for the weekend. Whatever it takes to get me through I suppose. I kept wishing Tim would walk through the door, we'd hug, and he'd join me on the dance floor and everything would be alright. Fantasy indeed. 

There was a nice group of girls to dance with, and spirits were high. It was so busy we almost had no room to dance! Interestingly guy-friends ex-girlfriend came too, and it was nice to see her. She's going home to the states soon. 

I stayed until 12:30am, as it was closing at 1am. It was a good night, and I suppose it dulled my pain somewhat. I didn't meet anybody new, i.e.; romantically, but I love being around people, especially in a familiar place. 

It was a bit strange as guy friend and I have walked back to the station together the last few times we've been out. It's always nice to talk and catch up, but tonight I knew he was staying at a hotel up here. Now there was a sort of jokey suggestion from him about staying, but I had no intention of doing so. I was going home. Alone. 

I've done the walk back to the station many times alone, and it's a good opportunity to get some air and clear your head. It felt funny, as I wished I was going on the bus, to T's home, the way we did a few times when we were in Soho. I realised that I'm not the same person I was three, two, or even a year ago. And I hope that it sent a firm message to guy friend- that I have moved on, and I have more respect for myself that to let myself get hurt by being in such a mess again. 

I'm glad that things are nice, even friendly with guy friend, and that I can go to all these nights out without things being weird. But I would trade all of that in a heartbeat to be back with Tim. 

What I experienced with him was 100% right, natural and fulfilling. It was a privilege to be his girl, and in my head, I thanked him for it. He has integrity, and substance, and not everybody has that. I was a very lucky girl. 

I walked back feeling sad, but I kept thinking that if things eventually became ok with guy friend, then they will be with Tim. I know that it's a bit different, and that Tim and I did not have the acrimoniousness that I had with him, but what form that may take I don't know. 

I have to believe that things will work out right. And I hope that in time Tim may be able to try again with me. I fear not, but I have to believe that things will get better, or that I'll be able to make peace with what's happened. Last year I focused on the words from an Instagram post by Dr Phil " I believe there is a point where all things wrong can be made right", and for me it happened. 

So I have to have faith, and believe that it will again. I'm supposed to be meeting up with Tim next weekend. I hope that we can see each other, it is horrible not seeing him. I don't want to continue suffering, so what is meant to be will be. It doesn't stop me thinking about him, or wishing things were different. But tonight provided a good distraction, and an opportunity to feel better about myself, even if it's only temporary.