Fifty shades/thinking aloud (11)

Fifty shades or, nothing’s ever black and white. ‘Though the light today was pretty monochrome.  Gulls and I are in a steady routine now.  Whenever I’m home in the afternoon and the wind’s not strong enough to blow me off my feet, they get a loaf.  I do believe the numbers are building, where’s Jesus when you need him?
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Thinking aloud series starts here.

Firstly thanks to everyone who is still following along, chipping in despite the somewhat unsatisfactory one-sided nature of the saga.  Your comments help me to understand bits I’d not gotten yet.  All grist to my mill. 

I forgot a step in my account - before I sent the email saying that I must be missing something I had still been considering whether I needed to say anything to anyone.  Maybe I should just walk away and deal with my own feelings, abandon the relationship.  Then I received another email from this same person celebrating how wonderful the event I had just been excluded from was!  At this point I was weeping with laughter at the crazy insensitivity of the whole thing.  We’d had insult, injury and now rubbing both salt and vinegar in the wounds.  I knew then that I did need to say something.  But where to start, what to say?  That’s what prompted the email asking if I was missing something, I needed to find a starting point.  

When the reply confirmed my worst fears I thought again about the phrase “Give them a piece of your mind.”  Actually what had happened was that I had given someone a piece of my heart, trusted them not to break it.  Even after I’d seen them be blatantly untrustworthy.  I’d seen glimpses of their feet of clay months earlier and ignored the signals till they stomped all over me, as they were bound to do.  

I wanted to reclaim the portion of my heart that I’d given to this person so that I could hold us both in my heart again.  I wanted to open my heart to them not in a fragile, vulnerable way but in a generous open-spirited humane way.  I felt how it hurts me whenever I cannot love, when I put anyone out of my heart.