Gull in the mist/thinking aloud (15)

Thinking aloud series starts here.

If you remember I started trying to articulate my reaction to a shocking turn of events conveyed in a passive aggressive, cheery email signed with a kiss.  My reaction took the form of drafting a raw email which was sarcastic and exaggerated in tone.  This was me in my reactive habit of overstepping the mark, over-stating my case when fighting my corner.  When acted out in haste it leads to regret and bad endings.

After my helpful friend demolished my high horse and encouraged me to find out more detail about what exactly I was dealing with I sent this less aggressive ‘enquiring’ email [again identifying sections removed].
 
Your first email was such a shock that it took my breath away, the rug pulled out from under me.  I’m still confused about what happened [here], I feel I must be missing something.  I’d really appreciate hearing the truth of what happened from your point of view. 

After getting a reply giving more detail the original angry draft evolved into something softer with the wish list draft (redacted version here) that I had before I set off for Samye Ling.  Now it looks too accommodating, selling myself out somewhat to spare the other person in an attempt to maintain the relationship.

And this is the final email that I sent after Amanda’s weekend.  [Again redacted to omit details that would identify the other person.]

Dear X
Thank you for being honest with me.  Knowing some of the background to your actions helps me understand where you are coming from and clears up my confusion.  You have confirmed my worst fears, made it clear that the barely thinkable was in fact the case all along.  You knew [there was a problem] but only intervened when you yourself were at risk of being shown up.  How would you feel if someone did that to you?

I don’t mind finding out [that there was a problem], that’s just part of learning.  But I do wish that you had told me and offered help sooner, and in person.  Such a wasted opportunity.  That you knew there was a problem, you had possible solutions and somehow could not bring yourself to offer them.  Such a shame.

I accept that your failure to offer help was due to inexperience rather than malice.  That doesn’t mean it didn’t have consequences.  You hurt me by leaving it so long and there is no sign in your emails that you are aware of that, or are taking any responsibility for your actions. 

I am grateful that circumstances conspired to help you begin to find your voice.  I wish that you had not sent me the congratulatory email about the event I had just been excluded from.  

As things stand I cannot imagine [participating] again.  The gap between the avowed ethos and my personal experience is just too great.  

I wish you well and feel sad that my participation has ended in this way. 

I felt better able to hold my ground, neither pulling my punches nor beating the person over the head.  I’m happy with it.  A month on I’d write it differently again after all your helpful comments, and now the weekend work has settled more deeply into my bones.   But it’s a heck of a lot better than what I started with.  It’s true to where I was at at  then.  The significant shifts for me were that from a more centred place, with my posse backing me up, I was able to express confusion and hurt in the face of insensitivity, to put the responsibility back where none was being taken without demanding, asking or expecting anything from the other person.  

I have had no response.  I am happy with that.  The difference is that if I bump into this person, which is quite possible in this small town, I will not be carrying any of this.  I can imagine asking them how this landed, if they’d like to go for a coffee now that time has passed.   And you bet that seeing them walking towards me will trigger an instant step change in my way of being, to a place of inclusive presence where they might just possibly say yes.   

Thank you for thinking aloud with me, I had no idea this would be such a long drawn out series when I started.  Your support is right up there with the Tooth Fairy and the habobat.  That’s what Blipchums do, encourage each other to be the best they can be.  Bless you all.  Bless us all.  Let’s see if we can keep the show on the road, this place is a force for good in the world.