Good Grief 90

I seem to be feeling increasingly steamrollered. After not sleeping well I tried to get on with a few things but could have easily just retreated back to bed. I forced myself to get out to shop which I've been putting off. I feel as though there is lots I should be doing just to get to the bare minimum of some pretence at the whole Christmas thing. I did the essentials but the effort seemed ridiculous and the less I can get my head round what I might need to get, the worse I feel.
Having at least got what I needed I decided a walk and fresh air was called for. [neighbour deletion ... it only it were that easy ..]

So I walked. The fresh air was better although I left it late and had to rush to get down in time before it got dark. Again, it was a struggle but less so than in the shops which makes me realise it is not so much sick/ill as psychologically/emotionally exhausted/ill, I suspect. Frequently on my walks now I just want to sit and stop and stay and not move again, but I always end up keeping going ... it is so tedious.

Further to my thoughts yesterday ....
I have been busy thinking of things I could do, help out friends, or pitch in with all that has been happening locally. When it came to it, after I finished work, I just retreated. It all feels a bit damned if I do, damned if I don't. I constructed the most absurd plan to help my friends out. It kept my mind engaged, working out the pros and cons. It felt difficult, engaging, challenging and would mean keeping things going for them in the face of not very good alternatives. But it was a bit of a drama, a cause, something to fight for, to battle on with. And then I realised I was overinvested in it. It's not my life, it's theirs ... I forgot, I haven't really got one and I can't adopt theirs ... It was just another rather desperate bid to pointlessly engage with something. And I barely have the energy to engage with what I need to. It was a stupid idea (even if the thinking and caring was appreciated). It leaves me feeling pretty pathetic ... which I also know is not particularly helpful.

p.s. Later ...again...
I've taken my bread out of the oven. It could pass for a dense breeze block with a heavy head cold ( I had run out of wholemeal and used half rye).