Get Me Through December

"So I can start again". A song I always liked by Alison Krauss. 

I bought this book in Foyles yesterday. I haven't had time to read it yet but I will.

I didn't want to go to work today. I toyed with the idea of being 'sick' but I couldn't do it. And 90% of the time it's better to be busy.

But today was horrible. I hate Christmas music at the best of times and when I came into my room this morning, there was some playing. The friend I work with had put it on. I froze, and then once I worked out where it was coming from, I turned it down as I couldn't find the off switch. 

Later when I brought the children in, she asked me if I didn't like her music. I replied that no I didn't, because it reminds me of forced cheer and there being even less to celebrate this year, and could she do it in the afternoon when I'm not there. She exploded at me and told me I was being selfish etc. that it's not all about me etc...

I went off to supervise the children in the cloakroom, thinking I'm really just surplus to requirements, and that my TA is effectively in charge really. I told another colleague that I needed 10 minutes breathing space and took myself to the office to calm down. 

A pretty hideous morning, back to the same old "are you fit to be here?" questions from the higher ups. Sigh. It scared me how much I really don't want to be there, and that after xmas it may be just the same. My "friend" has absolutely no idea what's going on for me, I haven't talked about it at work for months. I wish I only had to worry about what she does. 

Dreading going in tomorrow. I don't want to feel worse by losing my identity that comes with being purposeful with your job, but I can't go through that for the next 4 days. 

If only they could know what it's like to be me right now.