Cracking Up

Ok. I am just beyond stressed out today. I had a nice day yesterday- my hairdresser came and did mine and mum's hair, so we had a lazy day at home. It was raining and rubbish, so we had time to sit and chat. 

I felt more anxious as the day wore on. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but my dad, surprisingly, has been the one that hasn't taken well in regards to my decision to go away over Christmas. My mum said she would miss me, but refused to try to influence my decision. And eventually I cracked. Last night I changed the flight and hotel. Now let me assure you that I don't want to be here for Christmas, I hate the bloody time of year, but the guilt of disappointing everybody was too much. So after a lot of thought I have changed it so that I am going tomorrow, and just staying overnight in the boutique hotel I chose, and flying back on Thursday afternoon. My dad was much happier with this. And I guess I am. Let's try to gloss over that the technicalities of changing all of this mean I haven't saved any money...

I was happy last night when I thought about it. But I'm also cross. Because maybe I really can't cope. I will be 32 tomorrow, and I'm no further forward in my life than I was last year. Except now I have a pulverised heart and a whole head full of worry and fear of the future. Is this it? I am really cross with Tim, and yet I still love him. How dare he come into my life and then fold up his tent and depart? Leaving me to pick up the pieces and wonder how I'm going to go on? I know it all sounds very dramatic, but in the three months since it's happened, I'm still not feeling any better! Sucks to be me..

I applied for the GDL course I wanted to do, and found out yesterday that I got a place. By all accounts it' not too hard to get onto, which doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. And after speaking to them on the phone, they sent me the offer, which says I have 24 hours to accept. But when I started reading over all the fine print about the fees, I started to panic. I'm not 18 any more, and my dad isn't paying for the course! 

It's going to cost an eye-watering £10,500 (!). Fine, student loan it will be. But it also seems a bit silly as I was very lucky to do a 4-year degree 10 years ago and I was very lucky that my dad paid the fees, albeit it was at a time when it did not cost £9000 per year. In fact, when I did my PGCE in 05-06, I was paid £6000 to do the course! I remember being 21, having a very low rent, and £660 trickling into my bank account every month- those were the days! I did get a student loan, but all we did was invest it, and then give it back when I was done, and my dad let me keep the interest ;-) 

But it's more than the money. My self-doubt has overtaken me. I am seriously worried I won't like it, that I'm not clever enough to even understand it, and that I'll want to quit. Couple that with still being responsible for paying back 10 grand... 

I actually felt extremely anxious this afternoon, the kind where you try to concentrate on other things but you can't. In the end I phoned one of the admissions team, and she suggested the programme leader give me a call tomorrow. 

Maybe it's too soon. Maybe I need to think a bit more about it. I could decline and then reapply to start in October. But it would take longer to complete. I know I don't want to be a teacher anymore, but I don't seem to be able to extricate myself from it. 

Actually cracking up tonight! What a rubbish time it has been. I really hope I see some sun tomorrow, I want to enjoy my day/overnight in Amsterdam, and take some pictures. Stress relieving I think :-)