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We had some this morning...

It was a bit of a rubbish day today. I knew I was going to find this particular weekend hard. It's Tim's birthday tomorrow. 

It was grey and rainy all day today, which is just so disappointing at the weekend. I can deal with it during the week, as it's a bit of a blur, but I always feel a bit cheated if the weekend doesn't pay off. And it doesn't lift my mood either.

I had a bit of a lie in as I was tired, and then did lots of housey chores. We have new neighbours opposite moving in today, so they were quite loud outside. 

I checked the dreaded Instagram, and sure enough, there was my lovely Tim, out having breakfast at Borough Market. He really likes it there. And then the usual- chest whooshing, can't think straight, feeling like it'll never get better, how am I going to cope etc. I felt really, really, low. 

I suppose I've made some progress. I didn't cry. But I did refuse the smoothie I'd just made, and sat quietly on the sofa for nearly two hours, not speaking to anyone. 

It didn't help that my second cousin's wedding invitation came in the post today. She's ten years younger than me. And also expecting her first baby in the summer. I'm undecided about whether I want those things, perhaps I needn't worry as they seem unlikely anyway. But I do want a relationship that goes the distance, with somebody I love. Who wouldn't want that?

So I had to try and pull myself together. I had already decided I was going out in London. On this day last year, I headed off to Clapham to be met by Tim at the station, ready to begin his birthday celebrations. It was such a happy weekend, it felt like things were beginning to slot into place for me. I couldn't believe my luck to be sat there with this amazing man, sharing his friends and life with me. And I suppose it marked the beginning of being a couple. 

And I suppose I'm struggling to deal with the fact that only one year later, I'm sat here alone, wondering how the hell I ended up here. It's cruel. I had already been through this pain once before. It wasn't supposed to be this way. 

I took myself out, got the train and then took myself to LPQ on Southbank for dinner. I'll happily go alone, but it's not really very fun. And certainly not what I want. It was pretty quiet up there, as the weather was rubbish, and I was going to go to the pub in Soho, but in the end I gave it a miss and headed home.

A pretty sucky night, but no worse than if I stayed in. I've taken a bit of a hiatus from social media for a little bit. If Tim was out for his birthday, the last thing I want is to be reminded of what I'm missing out on. 

Or all that I've lost.