Through the Window

This morning we had sun, so I snapped this through the bathroom window. I thought the composition was quite interesting.

It's Tim's birthday today. 28. Now he's old, like me ;-)

I sent him a nice message, and he replied. He said we could maybe catch up next weekend. I felt better, for a little bit. I can't help but want to see him. I think it's natural. My mum asked what we would do. I know that I'll spend the rest of the week expecting to meet this weekend, dreading having to message to organise it, and then waiting for him to say he has plans, and suffering the rejection all over again. I never used to think twice before messaging. He'd expect to hear from me, multiple times during the day. Now it seems like a carefully thought out procedure, meticulous in its preparation and execution. I hate it. 

I've been thinking about it a lot. It goes without saying. I sort of wish I'd never been his girlfriend. I wish we'd just been close friends, perhaps part of a big group. That way there was no game of risk. In this game, I always lose. I lost with guy-friend, and I lost with Tim. I used to feel so special. When I was out with him, I felt really lucky that I was the one who got to go home with him. Spend time with him. Just the two of us. We were a team. I miss the closeness. I loved how people looked at us, like we were something special. And now it's been taken away. Now they all get to keep him. they get to spend time with him. And I don't. I'm the broken link in the chain, the part they don't need any more. It's happened before, its happened again. I don't really exist anymore to them.

And they'll help him to move on. Tell him there's plenty more fish in the sea. Tell him I wasn't that special, that he made the right decision etc. I wish other people never got involved in our lives. Just makes it more complicated than it need be. Who cares what other people say? What they think? It was about us, not them.

With a heavy heart, I made myself go to Guildford to get something. Whatever I try to do, it doesn't feel right. Even things I used to do on my own, before I had to consider someone else. I got there and didn't really want to park and get out. I made myself, as I had driven all the way over there. In the end I had a lucky find. Back at the end of the summer hols, I saw a dark pink puffa jacket that I really liked in Jack Wills. An unusual choice of colour for a redhead, but it suited me. I couldn't decide at the time, so left it. And then changed my mind for a different, longer one in navy. I saw it on the website yesterday, but it was sold out. I thought I'd have a wasted trip, but there was one lone pink coat, in an 8, on the rail. And it was marked down from £110- to £39 :-) 

Sold. And I love it. I said to my mum, it's the little things. Today, and for a couple of days, the pink coat will keep me going... silly really. 

I did have a really good Sunday session at gym. I had energy, there were loads of friends there, and I had a really fun two hours of forgetting and just being free.

Gym helps :-)