Soul Saturday

A funny day today. It started out a little bit sunny but then turned cloudy, which was a bit disappointing.

I did the usual chores. I'm not sure there's much point as I shall be having the boiler people back on Monday- for the third time.... thank goodness I haven't paid the bill yet. 

M & D are in Spain for a long weekend. I think they've picked a good week to go. It's back to warm here. 

I decided to go into London in the early evening. But once there and having no real plans, I felt a bit chicken. Let's face it, it was never going to measure up to last weekend. So in a way it was pointless to try to replicate any part of it. I ended up having a walk and a wander with my camera. And I discovered that the secret to being a bit unsure is to have a camera in your hand! It gives you a purpose, rather than feeling lost. And it's London, you can pretend you're a tourist even if it's on your doorstep ;-)

I had a snack in LPQ, and the took some pictures on my bridge. I took the tube to Leicester Square and walked to the pub. It was nice to visit, but no pals were there so I didn't stay long. 

I had a long walk back, but it felt good to walk. I'm a bit lost at this point in time. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. 

I watched Oprah's Masterclass on youtube this morning at home whilst I was doing my chores, and one of the musings was " what would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?". Food for thought most definitely.

I'm not much of a list maker- my lists and stuff live in my head. But I've decided to record some of my thoughts here- some of which are complete contradictions of each other, just to get it down on paper.

Here we go....

1. I want to live in London. Or do I? Maybe I could rent a room Mon-Fri and  keep my house in the burbs. Would I be able to afford both?

2. I need to get a job in London. Maybe I should just take the 10k pay cut like the recruitment lady suggested, and just do a bottom rung PA role. But being a lawyer would make more money. And I want to be a lawyer. But I'd have to spend money to make it happen. What if I'm not clever enough? 

3. I've been rejected from my first Vacation Scheme for law. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I should have gone to sixth form college a bit more often and got better A-Levels? Never mind the degrees since, it's the A- Levels that seem to count. If I've been rejected before, maybe I'll get rejected again? Should I keep trying? Or is it trying to point me to a different path?

4. I'd also like to be a counsellor. I'm good with people, I'm a good listener, and I love giving advice. Shame I'm rubbish at taking my own ;-) Would that be better? Oh, but then I'd have to give up on working in London. Would I make a decent living doing that? Maybe it's silly. 

5. I want my Tim back. In my head, little fantasies play out. Will things be better again? Is it over for good? Will I ever meet someone else? Will I ever feel about someone else the way I feel about him? Maybe I'm not really destined for a long term relationship. I don't have a good track record. Maybe I should focus on my career. Oh, but wait, I'm lonely. That loneliness that comes when two become one again. Maybe I should try to meet somebody? No, I'm not ready. 

6. I should definitely try to expand my social network. If only I could pluck up the courage to join that city socialiser I keep seeing on the net. But it costs money. Would I go? No, I'll be too scared. Yes, because it's not that hard, and it's a first step. 

7. Do I want to have children anymore? I don't think I do. I'm too selfish. I love the dog and maybe it would be like that, but ten times the work. I have a picture in my head, a blond haired, blue eyed little girl. That looks like her dad, maybe T. Definitely not me. But wait! What if I don't get that? What if it's a boy. I don't want boys. What if it was a boy with red hair? No. Just no. What if it had problems? Like behaviour? What if it wasn't a well behaved, lovely thing that I'd be able to pour all my energy into? What if it is a nightmare, and I yearn for my single, childless days? Too risky. I think it's safer just to leave it as it is. I've missed out on attention, if you like. Maybe I'd be happier just being part of a couple, married or in a long-term relationship? Where I can be looked after, and look after someone else. I have a lot to give. I love animals, I could get dogs. I'm good with dogs. Nervous with babies. Not really my thing. But then who would look after me when I'm old? 

8. Should I try to make money a priority? Should I take a bit more interest in learning about all things financial? Should I be a lawyer so that i can provide for myself better than I can now? Whatever the cost? I don't want to be a teacher anymore. It's put me off having children. I've seen what happens when it goes wrong. Maybe I should move to London, get married and live like a childless jet setter? 

9. Why am I here? I haven't followed the conventional path, like all of my school friends. Maybe I'm special? Maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm just lost? One of the forgotten ones? Maybe there's a different path for me to follow? Maybe I just haven't found it yet?

Try having all of that rolling around in your head....;-)