if music be the food of love, try not to choke.

A good friend of mine told me the other day that Valentine’s Day was marked in Ancient Rome by whipping women with a cow’s intestine. Each to their own.

It would be too easy to write about all the reasons I dislike Valentine’s Day. What a lazy cop-out that would be. The overwhelming desire to dry-wretch at the sight of couples, to squash the petals of every rose and to pop every heart-shaped balloon stems from jealousy and that´s a crime. But so is whipping a woman with a cow’s intestine. Apart from in Ohio.

More, we all know how nice it is to be in love, however unilaterally. When you manipulate time and space in order to be in someone’s presence, when you try you’re absolute hardest not to constantly look in someone’s direction at all times, when a typo like this:

sounds great, I´d love yo. ✓✓
*to ✓✓
Hahaha sorry, to, not you. Not that I´m saying, anyway, see you tomorrow! ✓
 
Can only mean that your life is over.

Anyway, I had separated myself from the gang at the market for a while yesterday in order to ponder the reasons why I am seemingly unable to feel any of these emotions anymore when I was approached by a microphone wielding woman who was attached, by way of a cable, to a scruffy man with a camera.

“Are you in love?”, she asked, looking into the camera and back at me. What kind of arsing question is that to ask a lonely looking man on Valentine´s Day? “No”, I replied.

“Perhaps today will be your lucky day, then?”, she said while looking into my soul.

“Suppose it depends on my Tinder success rate”. I was trying to lighten the situation because I had no idea where it was going and I was fairly sure that if she kept looking at me in the way she was I would most likely just fall in love with her and get rejected on camera. 

“Could you fall in love with me?”, and there it was-- she asked me.

“I suppose anyone could”, I offered as smoothly as I nervously could. 

“Do you want to ask me anything?”

“Nope, bye!”

And I left. Don´t fall for the act. Never fall for the act.

I went back to my unhealthy thoughts. They´re always there for me.