Outlandered by Nigel Tranter

One moment I'm walking over the long grass on the hill, the next I'm flat on my back looking at the evening sky. Alas, it wasn't because Big D had swept me off my feet, but because two tonne Bethie came charging up with Max behind me, ploughed straight into the back of my legs, took me out and we think knocked herself out in the process. My name is Elaine and it has been 1 hour since I last fell over.

Let's go back to the theme of lady swooning, I've been watching season 1 of Outlander....historical swashbuckler?.....kilted sexbuckler more like. It's like a do(ri)cumentary of the state of rumpy pumpy in 1745. Reminds me of my Mum's obsession with Nigel Tranter books in the 80's. Dad, me and my sister called him Niggle Prancer just to annoy her and on the one occasion we randomly picked a passage to read out loud to really, really annoy her it was all about throbbing fobwatches and other euphemisms. Who knew Niggle Prancer was the inspiration for Outlander and Game of Thrones. He probably wasn't. No doubt neither was Lovejoy, my Mum's secret crush (as was David Essex, Marti Pellow and Mel Gibson - before he went doolally that is). Anyway, we called Lovejoy Mr LoveJuice, again it was just to really, really, really annoy her. Poor mum. And poor Tess when she reads this, most days it must be like having Kathy Lette, Jenny Eclair, Joan Rivers, Roseanne Barr and all of the Golden girls rolled into one as a mother.

Enough of this sex talk, it's only Monday for goodness sake. My new target is to go a whole week without falling over #small goals for small people.