Good Grief 160

It's a funny feeling but sometimes I am sure I am dead. It doesn't come with any accompanying particularly morbid sense of anything - no thoughts, no feeling of desperation, just a complete sense of absence (if that isn't a total contradiction). It doesn't come with hopelessness or negativity (although there can be hints, slight floral essences, of despair). There's a struggle of engagement and a lack of care. It might in clinical terms be defined as 'flat affect'...or, 'Honey, I've shrunk my amygdala'.
I think this is the interesting bit. It's the bit where panic can come flooding in like a wind rush to try and fill Death Valley. I'll have a go at deflecting that and try and stay grounded.
A friend has texted to finalise plans for coming to visit, saying she is looking forward to it, and I really couldn't care less.
I understand these signs all too well. Damn it. I obstinately find myself resisting meds and pile on the greens.