Hell on Earth

Today I have been to Hell and back. It's a place called the Metro Centre near Gateshead in the North East of England, a huge shopping complex with hundreds of shops selling millions of things I don't need, don't want or can't afford.

To experience the full horror of this place you must visit during the school holidays. The malls are crammed with moody teenagers wearing hats they don't need indoors or skirts that are too short for the size of their thighs. Everywhere you look there are other people's children, even up in the air.

I had nearly two hours to kill and nothing could lighten my mood. Not the liberal sprinkling of members of the Olympic team from Switzerland who must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Not even the prospect of projectile vomit from the flying child falling on the unsuspecting puplic below.

Never again, at least not until my wife says I have to go back. She is the only one who can tell me to go to Hell and get away with it.