Good Grief 171

I want to post this to mark the day but am not quite sure what to write.
Anticipatory anxiety is such a peculiar business.
My head knows it will all be fine - I organised it, I have made food, I have rung to confirm arrangements, it will probably be perfectly 'enjoyable'.
My body is screaming in another direction.
I awoke feeling panic and anxiety, struggling to face working and wanting to hide away and quiver in a corner somewhere, stay safely at home, ideally curled up in bed or crawled into a corner under a table.
Once at work it all settled of course.
I had a bit of space and just cried - the pain of the missing of my husband is something I understood and it felt like a relief to acknowledge that. My head and heart understood that. But it combines with something more primitively uncertain, something that feels limbically unsafe. Something my body knows but which I don't really understand. The two combined make for a weird cocktail.

I've gone into that ridiculous, slightly (ok, more than slightly), procrastinating place where I know I just have to move my body and it just ain't happening yet. This is that weird space before movement happens.