Good Grief 181

Yet another night struggling to get to sleep. Putting it off and then switching the light off and despair kicking in with the darkness.
I am trying to work out how much of this uncertainty is destabilising what was already a rather fragile state that I had not caught up on before all of this.
I didn't want to go to work - finding it hard to keep focused but it passed by reasonably quietly.
I realised talking to 2 colleagues at work who shared the shock of all the recent events that I felt ok sharing this public grief - one that we all understood and were participating in. It made me realise how much it has taken to hold on to my feelings of private grief over all these years with barely any 'overspilling' in any overt way. And yet today, amongst 3 like minds there was this shared experience of something that we were all a part of, all connected to, all involved in, it affects us all. It highlighted the stark contrast of the loneliness of private grief.

I realised how fragile any feelings of 'recovery' are.
I realised that I have to sometimes work hard to hold ground I have gained.
I realised I have to be aware of subtle regressions to ways that are less helpful ... and yet, all these 'ways' are just ways, ways of seeing, ways of believing. I am always aware of the Milton quote, the mind is it's own place, it can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
There are no guarantees of this all turning out well, nor are there any of it all turning out badly. I am not always sure how much agency we have.
I am not even sure what I am trying to say here other than that I am feeling very aware of fragility.