Good Grief 190

I was thinking about this one this morning ... and archeological digs, and how layer upon layer of civilisations overlay the earlier one until there is this faded 60's apartment block, covered in graffitti and piss in the stairwells, ripe for demolition, sitting in the world redundantly, wasted.
Happy thoughts.
Feeling dried up, dessicated and emotionally exhausted.
The weeks seem to be marathons, rolling one into another.
I get to Friday feeling as though I am crawling to the finish line. 
And then encounter the weekends.
It's not as bleak a picture as I paint but it's there and once I've passed through that phase I move through and on.
I've been re-visiting focusing, prompted by grace. 
It's always around and part of the background but it has been good to bring it back into the forefront - it's like those things you forget to remember and it pays to bring it back into conscious awareness sometimes, often.
I was wondering if my body would move. I was wondering what would will it to action. Like an amoeba, I was wondering how and what moves this organism through the universe. 
It turned out to be bread baking and a swim in the rain. 
As I went up to join F, a neighbour asked me how she was running and about the trips we took. He didn't remember seeing my husband but then he lives a bit further round on the main road. I spoke of our adventures and could feel all that grief still there - still so much of it, just there. How full of it my body is. 

Mum keeps falling out of bed. Working with the home to get her a hospital bed. Painfully thinking of her there, alone, and with almost no self left.

Labyrinth

Postscript 10 July - I am wondering about the sadness of the loss of mum's sense of self. Realising, perhaps, that it goes beyond the loss of the person I knew to some sense that it is the loss of the person I never knew and I'm not sure knew herself (not that any of us can claim that with any confidence).
I've just been reading Brain Pickings which coincidentally referenced 'A General Theory of Love' and the tests on the rhesus monkeys.
I wrote more but have deleted it.