Frustrations

On so many levels.

We've been spoilt by the weather this week. I just want to remember as it has been blue sky, crisp and sunny. But it's getting colder, there's no doubt. 

I had a busy day, and then went to my weekly appointment with A. I told her that everything's going ok, but that I just feel that something's missing. An emptiness, a sadness also I suspect. A T-shaped hole. It's not just that, although I've always been honest about how I feel, perhaps too honest. I have vivid dreams, and this week was one about T. I'm not sure it means anything, it's just on my mind. But it's a general frustration that I'm not where I want to be, and that in a way I am ready to fill that space with somebody.

Time moves on. And things change, but lots of things haven't for me. And I felt a bit sorry for poor A, who had to listen to my questioning of the perceived unfairness of it all. I was a bit sad as I found out a friend of mine, K, is moving home after xmas. I am really happy for her, as she is happy, and her life is heading in a new direction. But mine isn't, and for me it's a reminder that I'm just sort of killing time, treading water rather than living life to the fullest. I am undecided as to whether to sell my house. Part of me wants to move, and upsize, and really put down roots, as I really live out of two houses, and consequently neither really feels like home. But as A pointed out, and I had already considered, do I really want to "root alone" again? Not really. Can't I just hang on? But until when? Who knows when I may meet somebody who does want long term? It might never happen? I have to try not to overthink these things, but it's hard not to. I've had a lot of vacuous experiences lately that have contributed to those feelings. 

Part of me would quite like to disappear abroad and take one of those jobs, but I know I'm filled with self-doubt. I didn't plan on my life being what it is- does anybody? Well actually I think most do, and are seemingly very happy.

I'm cheerfully distracted most of the time, but there is still lots of time for reflection. The last year has been one of the hardest. A said she thought I was courageous for being able to dust myself off and start again, but it wasn't an easy job. Maybe it's been meant to teach me something. I've learned some valuable lessons for sure. 

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone". 

And it's probably too late to get it back.