Rising Too Fast, and Fading Too Soon

It sounds a bit dodgy now I've written it ;-) But it's actually a line from a song I've been playing lately. And it's in reference to love, being like the moon. 

A bit of a nothingy weekend. At my own choosing you could say. I am trying to budget a bit more, and since I have some big outgoings coming up, I'm trying to limit my gadding around to things that I really want to do.

I've got a ticket to see a band in Amsterdam in mid-November, so it will be an expensive weekend. But I think it'll be worth it. And I've now committed to doing the windows, and front door, so hopefully that will make my house nice and snug. And I've decided to redecorate, and after fetching some paint samples yesterday, I tried them out on a piece of cardboard and spent time holding it up in various rooms. I think I've chosen it, and I think it'll look nice.

But in a way it's clutching at straws. Trying to find reasons to make me happy... or happier. I might end up selling it anyways. Who knows? It all seems a bit pointless really, it's just a house. The things I really want from life, money can't buy. 

I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently. Or just turn it back a few years to when what bothers me now bothered me less. Time is ticking, I'm just treading water. If only I could move forward in my bloody job. Maybe I'll get pushed, then the decision would be made. Changes need to happen, in the absence of being able to go back to 2015, when I was happy, with hope for the future. 

Now I'm wondering why I seem to have been chosen to have a less traditional life. This wasn't in the plan, no Sir. 

Sometimes I look at myself, catch myself smile in the mirror, and I'm able to catch a glimpse of what I might have to offer. But yet it's eluded me. At least in the long term. What did I do to deserve this? It must be a lot easier to be a guy, less expectation. The expectation in fact is more around your career, not the other stuff. But maybe I'm old fashioned, I think it's very different for women. 

And that makes it harder.