Stuck

I'm tying myself in a bit of a knot this week.

I went to the appointment on Tuesday with the agent re the house I saw. I made another appointment for Thursday to go and view it at lunchtime. It was a bit of a rush, but I spent about twenty minutes looking around, weighing it all up. Lots of it I really liked. The fact that the downstairs has actual rooms (!) It was a bit smaller than I thought, but I liked it. I really liked the kitchen. It has a great feel, with large patio doors which will lead out to the garden and let so much light in. There's even an under-stairs cupboard that is so big, in one that has already been sold, they're going to take the door off and put a desk in there to make an office! 

Of course it was freezing cold in there, and I had to wear a hard-hat and crawl under scaffolding and over mud just to get to the threshold. I went home and thought a lot about it. One minute I was worrying that it would go before I could even make an offer, the other thinking maybe I'm better of staying put. It's a new build, and slightly over budget I suspect. 

My sister and I had a chat about it when she came over last night, and she pointed out all of the good things it has to offer. Then I was buoyed by that. She only had to work a half day today, so she suggested going with me to have another look.

We went today, straight after school and had a good nose around. The developer happened to be there, so invited us to look at some of the ones that are almost finished. It was good to get a proper tour of the whole site, especially in daylight.

I haven't got my finances in order really, so I'm not sure where that leaves me. I get the impression my parents think I might be just as unhappy there, and that it might be over budget, and that I'll really struggle and that that will in turn make me more miserable! They could be right. I don't like my job, and feel trapped by that, and with no prospect at my current school of a salary increase, I feel I've got my hands tied behind my back. I need to move and be able to move up the pay scale, and in that case it might be best just to focus on changing my job, rather than moving house. 

I felt a bit wobbly tonight, and very frustrated. A and I talked at length the other day about it all. She said she's never needed to say this to anybody before, but she thinks I'm angry with my house. With what it represents. It represents being single, and that no longer works for me. That I'm at a place where I want to move forward in my life, and my current home doesn't allow for that. I agreed in lots of ways. I used to be very happy there. I often compare myself with other single friends, and I suppose the difference is that they are content with where they are in life, and I know I'm not. The T thing has really only compounded those feelings. Times a million. 

On the one hand, it would be good to move up in the world, but maybe I'm just clinging on to something to try and take away the pain. Which it likely won't. 

On this very day last year, I was offered a new job in the Hague. Which I then stupidly turned down. And I sort of wish I had just gone for it and done it. Maybe I might not be in such a mess. But then I think it might be nice to just drop 10k, live frugally and try and forge a new career in London, costly as it might be. 

The problem is, I don't know! The house thing might take care of itself. The agent suggested getting a financial advisor to meet with me, so that way he will probably go through everything and likely come to the conclusion that it's over budget. Which will make the decision for me. I've committed to doing the windows, but was in two minds whether to do the door as well, knowing I wanted to move, and might never get to appreciate my improvements. That's been a headache this week. Today I gave him the green light to go ahead and order it. The extra picture is me standing on the stairs trying to imagine what it might look like with a white internal door and white windows ;-)

I feel very fed up today. How did I manage to trap myself so much in life? My mum thinks I should just go abroad for a year and see how I feel. It's really only nine months in school time. I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow for a band I wanted to see. I was really looking forward to it, but now I feel I might not. I also wanted to go so that I could get a feel again for if I might want to live there, as there are a couple of jobs I've seen. 

I think I just need to get away quite honestly. School has been stupid this week, and were it not for the safeness and stability of the job, I think I would have left a long time ago. I would miss the children, but I think I need to be a bit more decisive and perhaps brutal when it comes to thinking about what I want from life. 

I'm off to clear my head, and hopefully return feeling brighter next week.... ;-)