Fire Crown

This is possibly going to sound mean spirited but …

I conveyed my approach to Friends burial and my role quite plainly and several times in various forms to various people.I have said no to photographing the event, no to meeting the celebrant (I did say to the girls I would be there for them but they said it was practical arrangements and not to worry), no to being involved in any planning meeting, so no to bringing food, cups, plates, stoves, water carriers, rugs, torches, no to being there at 9 am to set the place up.  No to giving anyone a lift. My last act for Friend was laying out her body, I did everything I could for her when she was alive, I have no capacity for doing anything more and I have no need to do so.  I am there and will always be there when her daughters need me.  I spent time with them yesterday – they gave me a xmas present from Friend that she had chosen in the summer. 

There will be over 70 people there, there is to be food and drink, a bell tent as a reflective space to share memories, feelings, songs, poems. It sounds wonderful and Friend would have loved it.

But it is not for me – it is not my way.

Over the years I have been to relative’s funerals, children’s funerals, my parents funerals. The latter involved me, my sister, my mum when dad went first. I even sat at home with my grandma for grandpa’s funeral – she did not want to go and I was more than happy to stay with her. 

I do not want to listen to friends speak of Friend, nor to hear of their loss. I do not want people to speak to me about what I did for her, how I am coping. I certainly do not want to sit around and eat and drink and get drawn into some “social chitchat” or worse someone saying something that is going to have me biting my tongue for fear my grief which I know will be expressed as anger, will spill over and I will say something hurtful. 

I shall go alone, I will stay well away from anyone, I shall put something in her grave that is meaningful to me, to our friendship, then I shall leave. 

This is my way – others have their way. I  respect that everyone expresses grief, love, remembrance in different ways. The concept of celebrating her life does not resonate with me – at some point in the future I will be ready to do so and this would then be perfect – but I am very far from doing that right now. 

I do want to see her laid to rest in the place I visited with her, I do want to say a final goodbye.