The end of a year

A year that's been pants and truly amazing.

We've had to deal with some serious rubbish again this year and it seems sometimes that we are never going to get a break and then not long into the start of the year something unbelievable happened.

I was having really bad cramps and sore boobs and put it down to my normal issues, but period never arrived and as my period due date came and went and I was heading towards my longest cycle I began to realise that something wasn't normal and it was time to see the doctor again in the never ending quest to fix or help my gynaecological problems. Now I knew the first question would be are you pregnant and so I brought a test my first one in years, but the first time I'd brought one with no hope, I didn't expect anything other than the negatives I'd received in the past.

The positive line was immediate, I'd never seen it before, I wasn't sure I was reading it right and I was in shock. I stumbled downstairs and thrust the test at Mr Mouse with the instructions and asked him to check, he had no inkling I was even going to buy a test, I mean why would I say anything when I was convinced it was just a formality.

It took a total of 4 tests to finally believe that it was really true. We had come to a peace with our infertility, there was always a small glimmer of hope but it wasn't something we desperately held onto, but in that moment my and our dreams came true.

It wasn't all plain sailing as not long afterwards I started to bleed and my world came crashing down as I thought my little miracle was going to be taken away. An appointment was made for an early scan at the early pregnancy unit, waiting for that appointment was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I had to go alone, I was scared and then I was led on a mystery hunt around the hospital as everyone kept directing me to somewhere different, until a kind nurse took charge and took me there, I was late for my appointment and I expected them to turn me away, I was almost in tears but it was fine. The waiting room of the early pregnancy unit is a strange place to be full of desperation and silent hope.

I was called in for my scan, first they tried external and found nothing, but I was prepared and knew that early on an internal would probably be needed, because of my pcos I am no stranger to those. I cried when I was shown this little tiny blob with a heart beat, my little miracle was holding on.

The year kept throwing rubbish at us but my miracle kept growing and getting strong. Every test there was a measure of fear and then joy as everyone came back perfect.

I rubbish of the year kept on coming but in the end it pales into insignificance.

And so we head towards the new year as parents and feeling blessed with our little miracle and I find joy in everyday and that includes the simple pleasure of washing nappies and preparing them for their next use.