Juiced

My Dear Fellow,
 
The office where I work has been offering Free Fruit since the start of the year. Free bananas, free apples, free clementines. They sit by the coffee machine and MOCK people who buy muffins and crisps.
 
As you know, I am from Yorkshire. FREE. The word sang to me. FREEEEEE.
 
So every morning I’ve had a bit of fruit. I won’t lie to you, I avoid the apples. I mean, if there are ONLY apples, I will take one. But I won’t enjoy it and eat it despite myself. “Effing free apples,” I mutter. And bananas can be a bit filling of a morning. So I prefer a clementine. 

But this week the clementines are out and oranges are in. Oranges are a lot of work, but it is not like I am doing much of anything else in the mornings, so I persevere. Even the Jurgen Prochnow oranges where the peel comes off in tiny little bits and the orange openly sprays you with ACID every time you pull the peel away.
 
“Eff you Jurgen,” I think and keep on going. In the end it is worth it.
 
However, he was ready for me this morning. I pulled away the peel and the damn thing EXPLODED. Went off like a citrus grenade in my hand. I got through a box of Kleenex cleaning up and I swear there was a Me-shaped silhouette of orange juice on the wall behind me. 

EVERYTHING was sticky. My keyboard, my mouse, my screen, my desk. I had to go to the bathroom to wash my face and hands. Actually I could have done to have a shower.
 
It was a heck of a start to my morning. But now I am aglow with vitamin C health. Let us hope it was worth it and I don't impale myself on a banana this Monday.

El P.