Tired

Long day today after a night of little sleep. Hard to turn off your thoughts. Mom had her last dialysis today. Hard for her to say good-bye to the nurses and hard for us too. They put her on a pump for her pain meds last night. It seems to be working much better but she is more confused and sleepy:(
My daughter sent this to me today. We want to read it to Mom but no one can do it without crying. Tomorrow hopefully I can get through it. The love between the two of them is so deep. Becca is coming home again this week-end to say her good-bye. I feel my heart may shatter when they do:(
"Quite a few years ago now, when I was about seventeen, my mom made a strange request from me. “You should write your grandma a eulogy.” I was taken aback. Why? Was there something I didn’t know about? Why on earth would I write a eulogy for a living, breathing human being?
“People always wait until the ones they love are dead to express how they really feel about them. Why wait until someone can’t hear what you’re saying to say it? Isn’t it better to tell people how much they mean to you when they are still around?”
She was right, people don’t spend enough time telling others how grateful they are for them or how they impacted their lives in a positive way. I still thought it was weird to call it a eulogy though. My grandma was fully on board and excited about it, but it always felt too weird to write, despite wanting to.
Now, about six years later, I’m starting to fear that it’s too late. I always thought there would be another day to write it, another day to tell her how much I love her and how much I appreciated all she’s done for me. But the combination of kidney failure, strokes, and a possible leg amputation is making the possibility of another day less and less likely, as much as I hate to admit it. So, despite the fact that I don’t even really know what a eulogy is, here is mine.

Grandma,
You have always been someone I looked up to throughout my life. It’s hard not to look up to someone who is so strong and so amazing. You always had my back and were always there if I needed you. I will never forget the many, many times I escaped my own house when I was upset with my mom and would rush next door for some tea and conversation, even if it did probably drive mom crazy. Even then, you were my safe space from the parts of the world that were less than perfect.
Living next door to you for the first nine years of my life was the best gift I could have ever received. It’s a special experience to have a grandparent so close and see them so often. All of our bonfires, slightly chard hot dogs and gooey marshmellows made up a big part of my childhood, as did our walks, hang outs at the pool, and so much more. Every memory from sticking a klenix so far up my nose that you had to take me to the hospital to get it out, to you pulling me on a noodle around the Alliston pool, to coming over to eat dippy eggs because you were the only one who would make them for me will always stay with me, and they’ve made me who I am now. You showed me nothing but love and patience and that taught me not only how important love and patience are, but how to show it to others. Without your unconditional love throughout my life, I would be a different person today.
As I got older, I learned more and more about you. I was always so curious about your past and who you were throughout your life. I always loved hearing your stories, especially the ones that shocked me, like you and your siblings sliding off the roof of a factory on medal sheets for fun into piles of sawdust. But even more, I heard the harder stories. The more difficult parts of your life that you experienced. You didn’t always have it easy, but you always made it through. I would be lying if I said that didn’t affect me. Each time I faced a difficulty in my life I looked to you, a pillar of strength, who made it through so much and could still laugh at the end of the day. You inspired me to do the same. To be strong and make it through whatever life threw at me.
I hope now, you look around you and feel the same unconditional love and patience from your family that I always felt from you. I hope you look at the faces of my mom and my aunt Kim, Lucas and myself, Brianna and Brendan, and little Brody, and know that none of this would be possible without you. The world would be a darker, drabber place without all of us in it, and the world owes the extra light, love, happiness, laughter, and joy we all add, to you. You created a legacy in all of us that will never die."