Arthur Snodgrass in 'Waiting for Summer'

Yesterday morning, about half past the hour, Arthur Snodgrass got up. He hadn't intended to but he fell out of bed so he took this as a sign from the good lord himself that the time was about right to get a wriggle on. I say wriggle butin Arthur's case this was being generous. It normally took him an hour or so to make it through morning ablutions and sure enough this morning was no exception. Finally arriving downstairs to make his breakfast extravaganza he found his whole kitchen had been stolen, probably by the Braithwaites who lived next door. I say next door. They actually lived four streets away but any trouble that was brewing Arthur automatically blamed it on them. It was a school yard issue that went back to 1957 and as far as Arthur was concerned this break in meant all out war.
First stop, Arnie's Take a Break, a caravan cafe Arnie set up in the bus stop lay by to sell such delights as tripe surprise. Arthur went for his usual, Olympian Breakfast, and plotted his revenge whilst reading the Daily Big Ones.
Two hours later and Arthur was just about to leave Arnie's when he realised he had not had lunch. He had lunch. Olympian's Lunch.
Two hours later Arthur went for a lie down, waking up far sooner than he had intended as he fell out of bed. I say fell out of bed. He was more pushed, by his long suffering dog, Buster, who had not yet been taken for a walk and was determined to now get one. As ever when Buster pushed him out of bed, Arthur thought of retaliation, but you can't argue with a Pootion (a poodle who had crossed an Alsation).
Happily as Arthur made his way across the manor being pulled along by Buster the Pootion, he realised this was perfect as now he could take his revenge on the horrible Braithwaites in a drive by shooting. He always carried his deadly pea shooter and this evening was no exception. A quick nip into Arnie's delightful cafe and an Olympian tea consumed, (Buster had the dog version (woof woof)) the deadly assassin and his helper made their way to the hedge at the back of the Braithwaite's where sure enough the whole family (there were 17 of them) were catching some late summer rays from the evening sun. I say sun. It was 12.5 degrees and the sun was sort of trying to peak through the clouds as it hurtled out of the UK sky, but the Braithwaites were desperate for sun as the summer had not been kind in this regard.
Arthur caught sight of Esmay Braithwaite, family patriarch and a huge woman, and he knew his pea's were best focussed at her. Ruffle her feathers and you ruffled the families and that was what he was after. Within moments the pea's were let loose and they hit Esmay full square on her naked breasts sending her into an almighty spin as she hopped around the garden declaring war on whoever had let go of the peas. The garden was in uproar, 17 naked Brathwaites jumping around as though live in a rave with the ecstatic Arthur letting rip with pea after pea into the hapless bunch.
That evening, Arthur slept soundly despite there being a pea souper of a fog outside his bedroom window.