Meaty phone home

I decided to break the bank (EUR0.00 upgrade) and get one of the last dumb phones on the market.
It's meaty, it's solid, it's waterproof, it's dust proof.
But it won't be able to received a work related email at 8.30 pm on a Friday... Bad, bad, daft phone!

The Quick Start Guide was a pleasure to browse through.
Right after basic things such as charging the phone and making calls, it jumps straight to the essentials features:

- How to make a fake call ("You can simulate an incoming call when you want to get out of meetings or unwanted conversations")

- Activate and send an SOS message: "oh shit, I'm getting mugged, now what shall I do?! Headbutt the fucker? Run? Scream? No! It's Menu > scroll down to Special Features > Activate SOS message > Confirm list of recipients > Enter SOS message > Send > Are you sure that you want to send SOS message? > Yes"

- Activate the mobile tracker (When someone inserts a new SIM card in your phone, the mobile tracker feature will automatically send the contact number to specified recipients to help you locate and recover your phone): nice feature. I can imagine Pepe receiving a notification message that someone else than me has inserted a SIM card in my last-of-its-generation dumb phone: "Oi, you, heroin addict scumbag who has just nicked my son-in-law's dumb phone. I know where you live! Actually I don't, but I have your number! I'll hunt you down. I'll hunt you down and I'll smoke you out. And I'll kick your arse. You'll feel sorry for incurring Pepe's wrath! I tell ya"

So the phone is meaty, water proof, dust resistant, devious and highly paranoid.

I dreamt it, Samsung made it (after nicking the idea from Sony).

PS: I've also just discovered that it has a powerful little LED light to help you find the key hole when you stagger back home. They really think about everything!