Day 4 of Expose

Today, Allison trained me on uploading content on the Collegian's website. Apparently I have the power to fuck the entire website up-lucky me. In addition to writing briefs, the Strip Club, and being the online editor assistant Allison asked me if I wanted to start doing some reporting.

Dinner with Shayla at Red Robin was nice, I suppose. Nothing like talking about our problems over burgers and ice cream...

My dad called me to report that my Uncle in Needles, CA code blue-d in the operating room today. Somehow they managed to revive him. Everything is wrong with him, and they are pumping him to the brim with a cocktail of powerful drugs... I'm waiting for him to die.

Mohammed came over tonight. He told me he gets lunch with this girl name Ashley every day, and today she invited him in her room. She showed him her ass. He didn't touch it. He didn't fuck her. He wanted to. Oh, and he never told her he has a girlfriend. I have never had lunch with him.

"Why do you want to date me?"
"I don't know."

The only reason he started dating me was to have sex, because Allah forbid he has sex with a woman he is not married to.

So he fucked me tonight, much to my dismay. Then proceeded to tell me I deserve better. He's a player. I'm a nice girl.

So I screamed at him to look me in the eye at break up with me. He couldn't do it. I started crying. I felt used. I was used. I do deserve better, but I still feel the drag of loneliness. Not to mention I have a tendency to be self destructive. I hated that I cried in front of him. He doesn't deserve seeing me vulnerable.

"I have a dark heart, I have no room to love anyone."

"I know you just want to have fun and be 19. You want to fuck all these girls in your dorm. You want to be crazy. You don't want to date me. you don't care about me, and you don't even like me. You think I'm annoying, too serious, and you don't want that commitment. So make a decision, break up with me and get out of my house or be my boyfriend."

Long silence. "Fuck it. Bye." He shuts the door behind him and I start falling.

Gripping those dirty sheets, utterly amazed at my idiocy, but not surprised in the least at the whole situation- I cried in my self.

To my surprise, he comes back in. "I want to stay with you."

He gave me a back rub, kissed me, and told me i'm "sweet" and "funny" and "nice" and he "enjoys spending time with me".

We smoked then cuddled then I fell asleep in his arms.

I wish he had enough balls to be honest with me and end it. He is only staying with me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He didn't want to "break my heart."

Jokes on him. I don't love him, and so there is no way for my heart to break. He cannot possibly hurt me to the capacity I have been hurt previously.

I will tell you what I will do though-I will break down those walls. I will make him love me, and I will crush him.