End Result

I think it's finished. I keep looking at the colour at different times of day, it always looks different. I can't decide what exactly it is but I think I like it ;-)

I've spent the rest of the day here. There were three guys today, the boss and his two sons. They were great. I listened to brotherly banter and it passed the time. They did a good job. I was quite excited to see the paint going on the walls, and especially seeing the finished product. I really love the smell of fresh paint, but hours later I can't wait until it's gone! I kept coughing a lot today. It's amazing what a lick of paint can do, the crispness of the white that brightens the ceilings.

They finished around 4:30pm, and then I cleared up a little. I really needed to leave it to dry, but I hoovered and wiped a few bits, and then gave up. It was raining and a pretty dull evening. I went to mum's, got ratty because there was not a scrap of food to eat, and then sank into a warm bubbly bath. Wearing no make-up and sweats, I braved the M & S BP for a few bits. 

I didn't have my appointment with A this week. I missed her. I always feel a bit out on a limb without "my" time to talk. And I pray that no bad things befall me....

It seems everywhere I turn, everybody is having a baby. All of my friends seem to fill up my Facebook feed with either their own stories, or liking other people's. I'm feeling like I'm in the minority. The club I don't want to be in. Even my sister is, and we're not talking at the moment.

I don't know why. It's too painful for me. I know my anger/sadness/disappointment is misplaced- it's not her fault. But it hurts. Last year I had an op for a multitude of abdominal issues that had become too painful to ignore. I had a burst appendix years ago, and then Peritonitis, so it caused a lot of damage. Without boring you with the details, it was all a bit messy, and if I understand it right, I may find it more difficult to conceive and am at high risk of ectopic. Never mind the advancing age ;-) 

I received a letter with some pathology results about a month later. Still trying to deal with splitting up with T, the letter struck a nerve when it said that the best thing for me to do would be to try to have a baby as soon as possible, if that was my plan. 


So this news hit me like a truck. I can't get my head around it. I was very upset for a week, and now I just avoid anyone who mentions it. It feels like everyone else is out to get me. And it's not their fault. I know it's irrational, but it's how I feel. 

I am so unbelievably sick of things never working out for me. I'm ok when I'm out with my friends, on nights out, etc. I like those things, and part of me doesn't want to give that up. But there's no denying that I would like to be a mum one day. 

It feels like my sister has never had to struggle. She's never had anything but smooth sailing in her life. The opposite is true for me. It goes way back. She met a guy (her husband) in the local pub. It works out. I meet somebody at work who turns out to be the jerk from hell. I suffer and then call it quits. She and N want to buy a house, it all works out. I rent an apartment with said jerk, then move back in with my parents. She and N complete on house, and then fly off to Australia to see N's sister- I go into hospital with a burst appendix, whilst the deadbeat boyfriend abuses my trust and takes me for a ride.

Sister and N get married, I get disappointed in relationships. I have my heart utterly broken, from which I think I'll never recover, they move on to larger house. I decide I want to move, and put my house on the market. Sale falls through, I lose house I really wanted. They buy two brand new cars. I hate my job but feel trapped, sister gets a (small) payrise.

And last year I find out my fertility could be questionable, and now they're having a baby.

Writing it all out, I know to you it will sound ridiculous, but to me the pattern is clear. She always gets what she wants, and everything I touch turns to dust, leaving me to try and rise above it.

Which makes it really hard to be anything other than sad, jealous, and then guilty for feeling like this. I don't want to think bad things about people, let alone my sister. I think it's worse somehow because when we were younger we used to be close, and we've drifted apart.

All I see of her is a couple of times a week when she drops by after work. And for ten minutes we mostly fool around with the dog. Those times were great, and I always looked forward to seeing her. But we never really do anything together, she's always with her husband. I wouldn't mind, but when I do suggest things, she doesn't want to. She rolls her eyes at a lot of my stories, dismisses what I say, and makes the motion for me to hurry up when telling her anything. So on the one hand, what have I really lost here? I can only see a baby driving things further apart. 

I can't tell her how I feel, as I know she'll just roll her eyes and tell me to get over it. So now I try not to go to parents when I think she might be there, and if she is, then I go upstairs or go off to run an errand. 

So by November I'll have a niece or nephew. It'll be a girl. I've always wanted a little girl. That's how I know. 

It's really hard. I put off writing about it but maybe I just needed to do it. It's really hard.

Because I don't know if I'll be able to have a baby, and the person that I wanted to have one with more than anything else, is gone. And I don't think I'll ever feel ok about that.