So loved

After another horrendous nights sleep and a worsening of my cough I spent the morning in bed. I rang my friend Phil Marriott for a chat and also my sister Alexandra rang me and is coming on Sunday. My family and friends are all being so amazing as well as the online community, many of whom I don't know well and some of whom I don't know at all, it is really touching.

I accepted a lift and offer of support from my lovely friend Emma who took me to the hospital, I sorted out a box of photos of Mums parents and grandparents, of her childhood and her sisters, of herself acting and playing the piano, of her young family, Tom and I as babies and slowly growing up and of other family and friends, when we arrived my brother Tom and Aunty Jojy were there, we all looked through the box with Emma showing Mum the photos and talking about all the people and our memories, Tom had the Beatles and Buddy Holly playing and some Ennio Morricone... Mum was very with it today, reacting to us all, looking into our eyes, looking at the photos and nodding at memories, there was a moment when there was some lovely classical music playing and Tom and I were next to her and I stroked her hair and she closed her eyes, I wondered if she was going but she didn't.
I cried and told her I was going to miss her, it was a beautiful visit.
I spoke to the palliative team about our experience with the Chaplain yesterday and explained what happened and reiterated what I felt we needed and we now have the very lovely Judith who is a Chaplain and a priest, a lady of about 65/70 who listened intently to Tom and I telling her about Mums personality and her life with genuine interest, and to our thoughts on what would comfort and help her. It turns out Judith used to live in Worthing near where Mum and Gerry lived and also has trekked through Borneo to see the wild Orangutans which Mum did with Gerry about 9 years ago. I then took her in to meet Mum, I introduced her and Judith was so gentle and respectful, she told Mum who she was and her name and said she knew about Worthing and Borneo and that she shared those experiences and asked Mum if she would like her to come back tomorrow afternoon to talk about them with her and Mum nodded, she then said there was a chapel in the hospital and asked Mums permission to light a candle for her and think about her as the flame was burning, Mum nodded and Judith said she would do it when she left and would see her tomorrow. So lovely. Judith and I left the room and she said that when a person passes there are different things they can say or do and what did I think, I said I really liked her, knew she was the right person to look after Mum and asked her to follow her heart when the time comes and do what she feels is right, she thanked me. This is just what I would have wanted for Mum, it's so comforting.

Mum nodded when I asked her if she wanted to watch tv and Emma and I set it up for her, she's watching bbc1, a cookery programme.

It's amazing how much she is still able to be present and participate, she is so strong. Throughout her long illness and many problems, she has never complained and never seemed depressed or like she didn't want to live, she's never said anything about not wanting to be here or anything like that and even now when she is dying and can no longer speak or eat or drink she is still enjoying what she can, it is humbling and amazing.

Emma dropped me at Pattisserie Valerie in Kington where I had some soup and waited for a cab, I also called Mums old friend Tricia, a single Mum whose son went to school with my brother, they saw a lot of each other over the years we lived in Bromley and we even went on holiday to the Isle of Wight when I was about 11, they have remained friends all this time so I wanted to Tricia to know before Mum passes so I could pass on her love and prepare her as well.

When I got home I got straight into bed, I then called Mums old friend Nilo who she was at RADA with, I had a very long chat with her about 2 weeks ago, it's lovely hearing all the old stories from Mums friends and feels good to share with them at this time.

It is all so exhausting, tonight I have hit a wall, I can hardly speak, I got up to have dinner and watch a bit of tv, now back in bed listening to the rain.

I wasn't sure whether to post this but I decided I would, she looks peaceful and warm and is enjoying the tv, I will enjoy looking back at this photo I'm sure.