Fadeing light

The light is fading, fast dieing, the heart is broken waiting un the Lord to mend it. This is my current state, mad annoyed with God; (For so many reasons.) This photo captures this. Specialy if I change to black and white modify the levels and the tones. (Which this time I have not done because of the cool mouse over effect in Blip.)

I been shouting out to God latterly like in Pslams 35 "How long O Lord." - Another Cry has been why - You see so much has happened that has shook my trust in God. Sure I still trust in him for salvation, but I long to be back in the place that Proverbs 3:5-6 talks about; Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]

My foundational trust in God in some respects has never been higher. I mean I am never more convinced of him being the allpowerful God, that all evidence points towards him. I have seen to many miracles, seen the power of his work and blessed with having been blessed with reading, writeing and reflecting on some amazing apologetics stuff, including meeting and listing to life one of my hero's in the feild Dr John Dickson;

I really do not know at this point where the blame lies, it seems this gaint obsticle has been placed in front of my ability to trust in God. The more I don't fully trust in him for more then salvation the more I give into the world. A path which I know does not end well.

Drinking, Gambeling anything that distracts the mind from life. From the closeness I once felt with him and now strugling. The Lord who at the heart of it I still love, I am annoyed and angery with, I know I have no right to be. So I feel like giving him the middle finger. I think this is why I choose to go out drinking with a non christian women friend. Not knowing what may or may not happen; The Desire to say Lord I am ulimaterly in control of my own life - yet this realization also scares me. - Irronically though I did have a few drinks with her the night pointed me back to him in the end. Knowing full well he is wiser then me. Where I could once see the pertentual for a relationship I see it no more. Simply because we are both to broken and we would want different things. Instead I know see a women who I care about and want God to help me restore, if that is to the point where she has a relationship with God, Awesome and if not well if she is less broken then she is now well that would be cool. As for my self it reminded me how in the Long run I want a relationship that is physical, emotional and spiritual. If it is just one or 2 of these things its a sell out and better being single.

Yet at the same time "with out Love we have nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2) Sure my family loves me. Some times I wonder why, as I know how sinful I am. Some times the way they express it I wonder if they do love me. - MY god loves me, which is amazing, the creater of the universe, who spoke the world into being loves me enough to comminicate in his own way through life; Through the way things unfold. He loves me enough to disciplen me and work on transforming me into who I will oneday be through Christ and the power of the Holy spirit. even though at times I am so selfish at heart, if I applied the sermon of the mount to the 10 commandments I don;t think there would be a commandment that I have not broken, but rather then demanding justice, he made a way to show me love grace and murcy through the cross. This is amazing when you fully realise the price of the cross. (ITs through movies like the passion fo Christ that we begin to understand. what a whiping for example looks like yet that is nothing compared to what he went through.) But I also desire to relationship that women to shair the rest of life with. While I desire it so badly I know that I need to work on the person I am so that I can love her in a greater way. Be a better man then the man I am now. Through Christ and the HS that is if God wills me to marry oneday.