Today was unbelievable...

...but not in a good way.

I had gone back for an appointment with the audiologist who had given me a completely new mapping some weeks ago for my processor (my cochlear implant), and when I told her the last few weeks (I had written it all down and printed the pictures I have drawn of sounds and posted here the last few weeks), she was puzzled and asked for my processor and connected it to her laptop.

She said she was sorry and that it was her mistake but somehow she had given me the wrong program. She had given me a much earlier program which had been changed and tweaked. This didn't make sense. She apologised again, and again.

So I said to her, "then I have spent the last month adapting to a rubbish program?" She said it wasn't quite like that.

So now I have the program she had spent so much time adapting and changing to suit me several weeks ago. In fact I now have 4 programs, 3 with the new mapping...the 1st one apparently on SCAN...the 2nd with the new mapping but not on scan...the 3rd on the mapping but as music...the 4th is the program I have had the last few weeks and been trying to adapt to. She gave me that 4th one to fall back on if I'd had enough since I had worked so hard on it. She wrote it all down on a piece of paper for me.

Audiologist then warned me I was going to find this drastically different, and very difficult. It did sound horrid and grated on every nerve ending.

If you are following this you are doing better than I am, because Brain gave up. Brain couldn't go through all this again.

When I managed to get home Brain had flipped totally and was having nothing of anything. I was angry. That much I could do and feel. I was in a bad place emotionally. I couldn't go through all this again. I didn't want to. I was sorry I had ever had this cochlear implant in the first place just over 7 years ago. Why did I ever do it? I should have listened to to J.

J was always against it. He never was happy with me going through with it and argued against it constantly. But he died a few months after I'd had the implant.

I was going to have a sleep when I got back home, but either I was too wired up or something.

So, instead I did this painting from memory from yesterday of foxgloves and blue sky.
I have been doing this a couple of hours. I have calmed myself down and felt in a better place.

However I have just had the processor back on for practice, and trying to trawl through the programs on the remote. I can get program 1 (the new mapping on SCAN), program 2 (the new mapping on scan), BUT the 3rd program which is music on the new mapping and the 4th program which is the wrong program she had given me the past few weeks but she put it on because I was getting used to it and I could fall back on it if I'd had enough...but neither of them come up.

She wasn't interested in the sound drawings I had done and handed me them back. I cannot access the program I listened to the last month.

Am I going to hear the dawn chorus in the morning? Or is that gone forever now? Will I hear the mother Blackbird in the morning and her varying cries and decoy calls to protect her young, or is that gone forever?

Words fail me with this incompetence, stupidity, inefficiency...

Life was a damn sight easier with no sound input.

I give up...

I have sent an email...


[Sounds were drastically changed after the drastic remapping of my cochlear processor in April. I am readjusting to the different sounds, which are actually vastly different, as it is now suggested I was never mapped properly in the first place which is why I have struggled the last few years.]