A New Path

Not literally of course ;-)

It's been a really, really terrible week.

It's a girl. We found out Tuesday. As I knew we would. I spent a lot of the day thinking about it. We were going to find out in the evening, and I found it quite stressful waiting. I didn't want to be there when they told, so avoided the usual home time and stayed around chatting at school until nearly 6pm. When I came over much later it was just my mum, and they were coming soon. She wanted to walk the dog but it got all muddled, and they came over just as we were leaving.
 
They had brought a little gift bag, gingerbread biscuits with a pink ribbon for sister number two, who wanted a big fuss. Only she was "delayed" at the pub, and we went ahead without her.

My hands were trembling. I said all of the right things, plastered a smile on my face. As a little bit more of my heart broke inside. 

They went to leave, and I didn't want to walk the dog anymore.

I went straight home, and the tears fell. 

And for the first time in far too long, I lost it. Allowed myself to cry the tears of pain, frustration and despair. Wailed (quietly of course, as I am so in control, and never wanted to be heard by any neighbours). I was so done, I felt as though I had nothing to live for. I want to give up. It's never going to happen for me.

And then, sat on the floor, I pounded both of the insides of my knees with a hammer. I've done it before, I'm not proud of it. They swelled up, they are sore, and black and blue. I think it's just a manifestation of feeling like I can never express how I feel, in full.

And it was long overdue. I was furious with Tim, for breaking us up, furious with myself for not moving on quickly, furious with my job and feeling trapped. But mostly furious at me. I can never just allow anything to be, and even through my tears, I kept thinking "but you should be doing x/yz". It's like I have to schedule time to explode.

I ran a bath, and cried some more. My legs, and arm really hurt. It hurt to walk for several days. But in a strange way I felt better. I just wanted to be alone that night, and ignored a lot of texts. It seems strange how for some, it can be the happiest time, and for others, the saddest. 

I didn't want to go to work, but I did. And I felt better for it. I don't think anybody knew how unhappy I was, the children had a lovely day. 

I didn't really talk to my mum the next day. I was cross with her too, but I love her so I can't be cross with her.

I was looking forward to seeing A later that afternoon, but she was not very nice to me, so I didn't really go away feeling any better, just more defeated. 

I talked to a friend and she made me feel better. I stayed home instead of seeing anybody. My mum and Ro came by with the dog on their way home from the park. I wasn't particularly pleased to see them.

My mum asked me the next day if I should be signed off work for a bit. I think she's worried about me. I wondered if I'm ok too. 

And then my boss decided to shit on me from a great height- she's invited me to a disciplinary about my "timekeeping". It's never been great, I'm late for EVERYTHING! But it's now unacceptable to her. 

After everything this week, now this. The unsaid, the elephant in the room- she wants me out. I'm expensive, I don't want to be there, and they know that. They need to save some money, so I'm an easy target. She and others have been watching the times I arrive and leave via their digital watch..... Mind you, so have I, since last September.

It's ok. I argued a little but did not get upset. I've been expecting this. I actually felt quite detached and numb, not upset at all. I had a straight talk from two friends after school and the general consensus is to go before I'm pushed.

And I went home feeling like a weight had been lifted. How lovely would it feel to actually wave the white flag, and close a chapter. I felt so much better, but made the mistake of sharing it with my family. Some of whom did not feel that this is the solution. 

I need to go on my terms, or get another job before I can, so it looks like I'm going to have to go to that meeting. It's ok. He's right in a way. But what he hasn't understood, is that the being late is a symptom of a far greater problem. 

I have fallen out of love with it for the last four years, and instead of being active, I've been passive, allowing this to escalate into something unpleasant. I've moaned on here, to friends and family, but buried my head in the sand, on one hand believing that I can learn to feel good about it again, and feeling trapped by circumstance. 

So it's my own fault really. Now I need to take control of the situation. I do have options. 

I'm going to look at another school next week, after an 8pm, Friday night phone call from the boss there. If I hate it, I might just have to take it anyways, at least as a temporary measure.

It's only a job. People keep asking me how I can put money before my happiness, as they've watched me go down this slippery slope. It's fear, mostly. And a lack of self-belief that has prevented me from believing I am capable of anything else. 

But the end is nigh. I have some good friends who have been so helpful in steering me, and whilst not always said kindly, I know they want to help, and want to see me happier and free from this. And I so appreciate them.

I've had a peaceful and reflective weekend. The sun shone, I wore my hair loose, went to the theatre and felt that there just might be more possibilities out there. It's only a job. 

And if there were ever a time to think about how short our time is, it's this.

Emmy

Emmy died last week, aged just 31. She was a primary teacher too. 

Smile, Love and Be Kind.