Nothing You'd See On A Galloping Horse

Dear Princess Normal,

I am in Germany and this is a quick picture of a small portion of Auslaender's bookcase. I like it because it describes him better than I ever could. And his bookcase isn't just a home for books, there's also cameras, a tea pot, a Broons biscuit tin and hot sauce. So you see my point?

It is HOT here. Sultry, sticky, close. Call it what you like, the bottom line is that things are sticking to other things and I am having to do the occasional surreptitious stretch to dislodge them.

Our flight was fine, if a little bumpy on arrival, as it has been stormy here. Apparently we just missed a most dramatic evening of three thunderstorms which didn't cool things down AT ALL.

Despite this, Auslaender and E seem in great spirits and Bokhara and I got a big welcome. Then again you can't help but catch Bokhara's enthusiasm for everything. You have never met him of course but - hmm - how to describe the man?

When I met him at work in the 90s he saved me from the Tefal-headed halitosis-breathed "Turner-esque" nobheads who surrounded me and answered my every question by instead telling me how clever they were.

"B*llocks!!" Bokhara would say, surveying their over-complicated cleverboy code with disdain. "You don't want to do to do it like that! You do it like THIS! Wallop! Sha-wing! Steve Cram opens his legs and really shows his class!"

That was a typical Bokhara monologue, it would be accompanied by bashing on his keyboard and the next time you looked up, your code would be fixed. He taught me so much about programming but the most important things he taught me were confidence and the fact that programming isn't some horrible pointy-headed pursuit but that it could be.a RIGHT LARF and then you would go to the pub after.

"Fancy a sherbet, Mr Peter-Piper-Picked-A-Peck-Of-Pickled-Parsons?" he would ask. "I'm off on the LASH toneet why aye bonny lad!" And off he'd trot to O'Neill's on Hanover Street for a Guinness with his rollie cigarettes and we would all go with him because it was Bokhara.

I should add that he's not a Geordie. But that didn't stop him doing the silly accent. Or the silly Welsh accent. Or the silly American accent. Or his Jean-Paul Gaultier accent, "Allo mah leetle English chums!! Zut alors! Whut ees ZEES boll-erks??"

And again, your code would be fixed.

He's a DERVISH. A whirlwind of activity. And now he's retired and LOVING IT.

Of course he's not staying home. He's out volunteering, building walls and planting trees and when he's not doing that he's riding his motorbike or his pushbike or cooking, cleaning, taking care of his family and just having a laugh.

He told us about his first dry stone wall that he'd built. The local Cumbrian gadgies came to mock it but found nothing seriously wrong with it. They were mildly disappointed because taking the p1ss is a lot of fun.

They spotted one or two minor flaws, but "Nothing you'd see on a galloping horse," as one of them said,.

"I LOVE that," said Bokhara. "I'm going to have to use that." So you see how he's just this fizzy bottle of enthusiasm and charm? On holiday, meeting up with Auslaender again after 18 months he was BESIDE himself.

"I'm excited!! I want to go out and eat the big Schnitzel! I want to drink beer and look at things! I want to come home late and wee in a field!!"

So far we've had the Big Schnizel. Seriously it was as big as Mark T's head. It took me about 45 minutes to eat it all because I'm from Yorkshire where food is a CHALLENGE.

Afterward we returned home (without weeing on ANYTHING) and sat in the twilight, watching bats circle the full moon and talking nonsense as always. Eighteen months is nothing. We could pick up like this after 10 years.

I think it's going to be hot again today. And I'll be sticky and uncomfortable but this will be just a small flaw in a great weekend, and nothing you'd see on a galloping horse.

S.